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ELIZABETHAN SONNET # 1 (sonnet shop)edit 1

I set myself to write a sonnet now
a style which gives me headaches, starts and fits
and turns my thinning hair more scant and gray
I might as well try growing perky tits

Bare brow now furrows on my old head
to join the other wrinkles living there
and eyes now squint with queasy sense of dread
this page remains, yet, pristine white and bare

I think and count and count and think some more
I pick up a Webster's worn and torn
my temple throbs just like it has before
in darkness on this rainy winter morn

I just cannot now make the damn words sing
Perhaps I am not meant to write this thing

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

There are some off the rhythem feet here and some suggestions. You can of course throw them away if you have better alternative. I really like the spontaneity in this. However I couldn't feel the turning in your ninth line, the volta. Let's see what others think of it, or have you forgotten all about it?

I SET |mySELF | to WRITE| a SO|nnet today (half a foot is more) maybe you can go with ( 'day )

TAN BROW |now FU|rrows ON| my OLD| foreHEAD| (my BROW.....maybe?)

PICK up |a WEB |ster DIC |tioNARY| well WORN ........... and PICK ?

But I just cannot make the damn words sing.....Just a suggestion
but I |can't get | the damn|ing words |to SING

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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Concentrating so much trying to get the meter right that I forgot the volta lol. I think i can fix that fairly easily. .......stan PS they say write what you know and I KNOW these darned sonnets aggravate me to no end lmao

author comment

S3L2 I would use "choose" as in "and choose" instead of 'pick" but that's just me. Its your choice.

Alid

I think I agree with you but I'm going to delay any editing for at least a day. Thanks for the suggestion

author comment

you have labelled this as free verse

so – here’s my parsing interpretation, and suggestions – I have had to change the rhyme in verses 1 and 3 in stanza 2 – as I could think of no other way

of course, I don’t expect you to accept the suggestions – they’re just given so as to jolt your brain to the iambic

i SET | MY -self | to WRITE | a SONN | -et to | -DAY
(to WRITE | a SONN | -et GREAT | i TRY | to -DAY

WITH -in | a STYLE | which GIVE | me STARTS | and FITS
(a STYLE | which GIVES | me HORR | -id STARTS | and FITS

and TURNS | my THINN | ing HAIR | more SCANT |and GRAY
(perfect iambic)

I MIGHT | as WELL | try GROW |-ng PERK | -y TITS
(lol – perfect iambic and perfectly funny)

TAN BROW | now FURR | -ows on | my OLD | FORE -head
(my FORE| -head FURR | -ows LINES | AC- ross | my BROW)

to JOIN | the OTH | - er WRINK | -les LIV| -ing THERE
(perfect iambic)

and EYES | SQUINT with | a QUEAS | -y SENSE | of DREAD
and EYES | they SQUINT | with UND | -er STAND | ing HOW

yet this | PAGE rem | -AINS PRIST | -ine WHITE | and BARE
but STILL | this PAGE | is PRIST | -ine WHITE | and BARE

i THINK | and COUNT |and COUNT |and THINK | some MORE
(perfect iambic)

PICK up| a WEB | -ster DICT | -ion -AR | -y WELL | WORN
an extra half foot
(i PICK| a WEB | -ster DICT | -ion -AR | -y WORN

my TEMP | -le THROBS | just LIKE | it HAS | be -FORE
(perfect iambic)

in DARK | -ness ON | this RAIN | -y WINT | er MORN
(in this position I would accept ‘on’ as stressed – iambic)

but i |JUST CAN | -not MAKE | the DAMN | WORDS SING
i CAN | -not SEEM | to MAKE | the WORDS | all SING

per -HAPS | I am | NOT MEANT | to write | this THING
per -HAPS | I’m JUST | not MEANT | to WRITE | this THING

-----------------

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

just some levity because this is likely as closet to being free verse as a sonnet lol

author comment

In these two lines

i SET | mySELF | to WRITE | a SO |nnet to | DAY

I think it is |mySELF | NOT |MYself|? (always according to the dictionary)

withIN |a STYLE |which GIVES | me STARTS| and FITS

|withIN| NOT |WITHin?| (always according to the dictionary)

and the disputation continues concerning three unstressed syllables in a raw ....i MIGHT as

i MIGHT |as WELL |TRY GROW| ing PERK |y TITS

 

And (sorry, I overlooked those lines when parsed late last night)

yet this | PAGE re |MAINS.......

and EYES |SQUINT with |a QUA| sy SENSE | of DREAD

perHAPS | i AM | not MEANT | to WRITE | this THING

but I | just CAN | -not MAKE | the DAMN | WORDS SING (It can be both CANnot OR canNOT)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I shouldn't try to parse when I am tired
You are correct with 'myself' and 'within' and 'cannot'
You are also correct with 'i MIGHT as WELL', but not because of your rationale . 'Might' is stressed here, as it comes after a vowel sound ('i')

Sorry Stan... it' difficult to parse a whole poem without making a few mistakes, especially on a tablet, where i have no access to cut and paste and to case change :) .... lol - I had already corrected myself with a few others too...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I know the purpose of this shop is attaining perfect rhyme and form in writing sonnets. I expect this can be done easily (yet very slowly) by checking each word against the dictionary. And for me that may well be the ONLY way to parse a poem correctly. My poetic read on a word has a tendency to Make stresses appear where I want them, not where they really Are. So what to do? I am trying my best to use the trick of just reading aloud to determine where natural stresses should occur. If I write in a form I desire being able to do so as the pen moves as opposed to having to edit then re-edit then edit the re-edit.........interminably. So gaining enough proficiency in this form to be able to just Write the damned things is my goal

And Judy... apologizing to Me about not parsing something right? Now that's funny lol. And I'm not hiding behind it but I Am fairly certain that dialect affects stress points sometimes.

author comment

and have quite a few times repeated myself over the time of this WS

The best way to check the stress is to start each verse as if it was the beginning of a sentence in a novel. Pause before it and read it aloud

It works for me every time

And the beauty of workshops is that others force you to look at the dictionary to check words you may be pronouncing incorrectly

thanks Stan
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

That I'm not being perceived as whining. I just wanted ya'll to know my reason for joining this shop (which I almost didn't due to my knowing how bad I am at parsing) was a bit beyond what I think the scope of this shop was intended to be. So I'm tilting at more than one windmill here lol

I have been using the suggested read aloud method and it has helped a great deal. Hopefully I won't have to edit This poem so many time that it becomes a Frankenstein type patch work like the other one did.

author comment

I think it is hard to get it from the first attempt. I think any workshop, even the shark pool, attempts to teach something that is to be practiced afterwards. Well, I don't wish to complicate things, and therefore, I always try to only point out what's wrong and what's right through parsing. I believe we can't correct everyone's accent afterall.
It has been a good experience for me though more than anything else.
You should all know, it was my greatest pleasure interacting with each and everyone here. Really.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

best way to learn something is by teaching it. And more can be learned from this particular shop than just how to write sonnets so what I learn here will be put to use whether or not I ever write another sonnet. i appreciate the patience you have shown in dealing with this stress deaf duffer......stan

author comment

that poetry written deliberately outside of one's natural dialect is unnatural (expect in cases of experimentation).
If Stan doesn't write with a drawl then I'm not reading "his" poetry. Keats did not write in a Texan's accent because he didn't live in Texas.
I don't think I have an accent, but friends from other parts of the country claim I have a pronounced accent (I have no idea what it sounds like). I must, I can only, write in that dialect. Anything less would be unnatural.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

spent the rest of my life in the deep south. I am told that I Still say a few random words with a Calif. accent though. Maybe it's my mixed accent that keeps me mixed up in stresses lol......stan

author comment

I'll worry about volta in next edit

author comment

good edits, yet one edit wasn't necessary.

Your previous verse in S.1 L. 2 was fine.

withIN | a STYLE | which GIVES | me STARTS | and Fits|

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

in a | STYLE which | GIVE me | STARTS and | FITS
TAN BROW | now FURR -ows | on my | OLD FORE -head
But I | JUST can | -NOT MAKE | the DAMN | WORDS SING

congratulations on persevering
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

i PICK | up a | WEBS -ter | DICT -ion | -A -ry | WORN

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

edits, haven't you Stan?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

But I understood from his last comment that he'd thought he was done with stresses and was heading off to work on the volta..
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

If I follow Rula's instructions, than the rhyming rule in the first stanza is off. Line 1 didn't rhyme with line 3.

Alid

Appears I have more work to do even yet. Too busy today, I'll attack it again this evening.....stan

author comment

This has come a long ways. But i still have issues with Bare brow... and Perhaps...
the accent starts on the first syllable. Look forward to the edits.

Scott

Few things

Stanza 1
L.1 "now"doesn't rhyme with "gray"
L. 2 is one foot less. ........give(s)
L.4 still has problems with iamb | i MIGHT| as WELL| TRY GROW |ing PER |ky TITS

Stanza 2
Line 1 and 3 are metrically off as now is STRESSED

Please don't give up.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

but still has those nasty meter things.
Much has been pointed out. The second line is still tetrameter and so on... but if it weren't here in the shop no one would notice. So rhythm win out.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I look on my hairbrush and see
the results of this sonnet shop
what hair I have is made to flee
as pulls and tugs cause it to drop
damned sonnets lol

author comment

.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

If one can't laugh at themselves who can they laugh at? And I'm so bad at sonnets that it's worthy of laughter

author comment

You did really well. You can always edit for a better version.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

And meter is likely my biggest one which makes the severe meter restrictions of sonnets a major obstacle to me. I think there IS a form of sonnets that deal in tetrameter which would be a bit easier for me but doing the things one is already good at doesn't help one become better over all does it? The fact that I keep moaning and groaning about sonnets should be considered a Good thing...it means I'm trying something outside my comfort zone and you've been more than patient with me........stan

author comment

I agree that if you don't wander out of your zone you will never expand your zone. I've always felt the restrictions force me to tighten my language. I will be running the meter workshop before the Ballade, so I hope you'll join us. My intention is to take baby steps and solve this for some of the participants once and for all. Once we figure out the meter it's like riding a bike. You find you can't write any other way.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

... you don't want to join the Ballade workshop? It's only infinitely more complex... and you get to tell a story. You'll have a great time and hair is overrated.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

It's already crowded in their with my feet lol. As to hair...God only made a limited number of perfect heads, he then hid the others beneath hair lol

author comment

hehehehe.,...this one had me in splits....written absolutely in Stanish dialect I could relate to...
sonnet or not is for others to find ..you certainly may have done Elizabeth proud...:)

raj (sublime_ocean)

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