Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Elements

Your lies flow like water into me,
they seep through the cracks of my self-esteem
and damage the fragile foundation on which I am built.

Your approval is poison,
Intoxicating electricity.
Not unlike the air I breathe,
I crave it, purely for survival.

Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shaking loose the already damaged walls
and leaving my life
falling to pieces

Your touch burns me from the inside out.
It hurts and I need it
And I hate it.

You dance through the ruins of my decrepit home
And leave me to lie in the rubble.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I really like the metaphor. Water invades porous material and eventually erodes away from the inside. I’m sorry if this is based on your own personal experience. You’ve gained quite a bit of self awareness concerning it if so. Nice work.

I have one suggestion

Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shaking loose the already damaged walls
and leaving my life
to fall to pieces

Maybe

Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shaking loose the already damaged walls
Leaving my life to fall to pieces

I kept wanting to change the verb tense to make them the same

Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shake loose the already damaged walls
and leave my life
to fall to pieces

Or

Your voice is the earth on which I stand.
When you quake, I quake.
Shaking loose the already damaged walls
leaving my life
falling to pieces

Honestly it’s fine as you have it those are just some things I played around with. Obviously, take my suggestions lightly.

This is fine work,
Tim

Thank you for the new suggestions!! I appreciate the feedback you've provided! I love the constructive criticism as I'm here to both share and improve my work. Thank you so much!

author comment

I can't decide between these lines, which are my favorites!

Your touch burns me from the inside out.
It hurts and I need it
And I hate it.

You dance through the ruins of my decrepit home
And leave me to lie in the rubble.

Excellent! ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Thank you very much! :)

author comment

I am blown away! I have felt every single one of these things and your poem put each emotion into a different perspective. Great job. My favorite lines:

Your approval is poison,
Intoxicating electricity.
Not unlike the air I breathe,
I crave it, purely for survival.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

Thank you very much! I am glad you like it! :)

author comment

I liked your poetic expression. Poetically you're very sound .
Exquisite!
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

Thank you so much!! :)

author comment

your choice of form. is this how the poem came to you, or did you group the thoughts as seen above?

Very sad piece, and it reaches into the reader.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

for your feedback! I wrote this poem as it came to me.

author comment

On your win. This was a good write. It deserves the attention.

Nice job,
Tim

Thank you so much!! :)

author comment

on your win! Good job!
~ Geezer.
.,

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Thank you so much!! :)

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.