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Eighteen Again

Submitted by Valyrianne on Sun, 2012-09-02 09:19

No words can ensnare the soft waves
of ecstasy that break the shores of our bodies
It is as twilight at dusk and dawn
where the creamy orange flame of day
meets the blue-black velvet sky
When truth is rich in the quiet moments
and whispers of passion are released
through primal cries of pleasure
and eyes are held wide open
to catch the fringed outlines
of youthful fire and smiles
that hold a lifetime of hidden desires

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-09-02 11:18

Ian.T's picture
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If my memory serves me right, Oh damn I have forgotten what I was going to say, I loved the piece though as to the feelings they are of an age that I would love to wrestle with again lol, Take care out there,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-09-03 01:41

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it's been tried so hard and so often. But this worked for me. You have a wordcrafters passion.

I disagree with marks crit, the use of those overlapping lines is called enjambment and is a valid poetic device, carrying the reader through, though it can be overused.

The only word in the poem I don't like is 'like' in
It is like twilight at dusk and dawn
I think that might have been better as a metaphor.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Valyrianne

Mon, 2012-09-03 15:40

Valyrianne's picture

to command the thoughts of great men? I am woman, need I explain? *wink* Just playin guys!!!

Now, seriously, thank you so very much for your input and feedback! It is far more appreciated then I can express here.

And Mark, I did do that on purpose, also notice the lack of punctuation. Not something I do in every piece but this had a breathless meaning to me...one continuous expression in which the reader may take a breath but still retains the heady and intoxicating feeling of breathlessness that love making can bring.

And Jess, I completely agree. 'Like' was the trip on the tongue that slowed it all and so I am placing 'as' in its place to make it more metaphorical yet hopefully still retaining that simplistic quality.

And finally Ian, thank you so very much for your time and opinion on my work...it is greatly appreciated!

Thanks again,
Val

author comment

Dalton

Mon, 2012-09-03 16:21

I don't often write in this vain. Matters of the flesh but admire when it is well written in others. Glad I caught this. I believe all crit has already been made well enough above. Just to say enjoyable read and welcome to the site.

John

Esker

Mon, 2012-09-03 21:04

Esker's picture

listening to techno pop exhausted
such a busy heady life and day

I like this poem

most poems about fucking are dressed up
like blow up dollls
love making is sweet
but dancing in a beat thats intoxicating
like this

well this is just like a drug
and maybe if one was on drugs
the whole experience would
feel like this poem

I remember Bryan Ferry describing his perfect
life in a song about his plastic love
"You float in my new pool
my breath is inside you"

I like that kind of Poetry
like dancing with a forty five
the safety off

like trickery with a blade
with one that can shave

best thing about this is your description
about lack of punctuation

that is perfect...makes the whole poem
soft as whipped cream
and just as tasty.............

Thank You Val..

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