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the ego and reality

dont let an overpowering ego weaken' or change who you are
pollute or' dawn damage your spirit. there are too many spaces between pertinent things in reality
lucid;acceptance clarity. dark brownland is gray or cloudy sometimes foggy
remember your inteligent handsome or beautifull
we cant live without points of light or masses or color
allways be positive people or religion or whateverand green
wolves in the fall winter love the sunshine on snow and white fur
fish like in our big cities as an ocean too have infinite reflections in the ocean
like we have off cars and buildings

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
i hope this inspires people
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I would suggest that you spend a little time proofreading your work
or at least look it over carefully after you post it.
The lack of punctuation, is a little bit odd for us old-school writers
and misspellings of common words is a distraction.

weaken'/ .punctuation

lucid;acceptance /.punctuation- no need for a semi-colon

inteligent/ spelling

same line: needs commas between acceptance and clarity

cant/ punctuation needs apostrophe

Your title is good, and I think fits the manner of this poem.

The pace is ok, [moves really fast, with no punctuation]

The theme is something to think about, makes you want to know
what inspired this particular write.

[I think that this is a stream of conscious thought process
that is becoming popular]. There was a lot to think about beside your
little bobbles, but I expect that as you write more, you will improve quickly.

So, Maybe a little bit more than you were expecting? How you handle criticism is
crucial to how you develop as a writer/poet. Do you get discouraged and just go away, or
keep working, and become as good as you can be? We never stop learning
as long as we work at it. ~Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

GEEZER WHY NOT THINK OF CONTENT NOT SO MUCH GRAMMER

author comment

did think of content, and I said so. I said that the theme gave one a lot to think about and made one want to know inspired this write. As to grammar, I don't think that it is too much to ask of a writer that wishes to INSPIRE others, to have proper grammAr and punctuation. Unless you are purely a speaker that only uses written material for notes, [that no one else sees], I wouldn't expect anyone to buy a book that is full of grammatical errors. I said, and will say again, this piece has merit and is too good to put out there with all those mistakes in it. I don't think you are as ignorant as you pretend. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I think if you rearranged the last two lines, the rest would make more sense. I agree with Geezer also, that punctures and grandmas would smooth it also.

Chers!

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

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