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Edna's Seaside Idyll

We walk along the beach at night,
Arms entwined and hearts entwined,
Waves lapping 'gainst our feet,
Pebbles scurrying like sand crabs 'twixt our toes.
And talking about crabs, we are both
A little tickly in the naughty bits department,
As the gentle summer breeze
Wafts through our matted pubic hairs.

Just a brief hour or two ago,
We were strangers at the Pier disco,
And now our histories are to be
Inextricably linked by fate.
Yet, I do not know that, in a month or so,
I shall be obliged to send you
A little yellow contact slip
From the Margate Hospital special clinic.

That note will inform that you have been exposed
To a most unpleasant social disease
Which, with a bit of rotten luck,
Could easily rot your insides totally.
But, for now, our thoughts are far away
As we laugh and joke together
In our new found post-coital,
Youthful lovers' camaraderie.

Who would wish to speak too loudly or disturb
The copulating pair by the nearby breakwater?
(not that they'd be put off by a thunderclap.
seeing that he is well into the short strokes by now).
Ah, sweet innocence of youth! How well I remember
Those halcyon days when a casual poke meant no more
Than the risk of a dose of clap. In the sad nowadays
It could mean you're tossed off the precipice of life.

An alternative ending....

Ah, sweet innocence of youth! How well I remember
Those halcyon days when a casual poke meant no more
Than the risk of a dose of clap. Come to think of it now,
Maybe a rubber johnny would have been a good idea.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Which optional ending do you think is better?
Editing stage: 

Comments

this one before? ~ Geezer.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

It's an updated rewrite. Probably worse than the original. The last stanza is totally new. Since no one commented on the 1st version, I thought I'd redo it.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

I probably shouldn't be here today; but as long as I am... I'd get rid of the first [entwined] and let the line read:
"Arms and hearts entwined." The poem as a whole; reads like a advertisement for condoms pointed in the general direction of the poetic community. Oops, did I say that? ~ Geezer.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

...for suggestions but I prefer the double entwined...more stylish...immensely poetic. But the comment about condoms is very good - maybe I should add in a little condom quip at the end?

What do you think of the alternative ending?
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

at least it's shorter.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

...it's not shorter (the final 4 lines get swapped, that's all).

But I do appreciate the point that the less there is of the "poem", the better.
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

seem shorter, maybe because it is a bit smoother. ~ Geezer.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

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