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dysphoria

Submitted by judyanne on Tue, 2012-08-07 14:47

veils
cloyed, weighted
with a waxed nothingness of want
incite a niggling, ephemeral knowledge

so my heart lifts higher

not to reach joy
but to clog and silence

gag the very part of me
that could sing
.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-08 07:38

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they really take away from the impact of the poem.

Poetry is fiction, as much as fantasy novels and journalism. You are allowed to make things up, then see if you get away with it.

I have severely criticised poets before for not "writing what they know about", but it was only because their fiction was not convincing. Someone once wrote a warning poem about drugs, referring to jumping off a balcony thinking you could fly on heroin. Gimme a fucking break!

Back to your poem.

This works beautifully by the choice of conflicting language. cloyed/incite, joy/clog/silence, gag/sing.

You see, without the 'last few words' disclaimer, I wouldn't be worried about you anyway, because the concepts of incite, niggling, knowledge, heart, lifts, higher, reach, joy, sing existing in the poem, exist in the mind and remain possibilities, even realities.

Fine free verse in my opinion.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Wed, 2012-08-08 08:21

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last words lost … your crit greatly appreciated
this and my write prior to this is a tentative dip into the dark side... i don't write about it much, nor love poetry... for i am amateur at both lifestyles :)...

as i said to someone - i'm trying a change from my usual mary poppins / pollyanna stuff

glad you feel i went ok here, would love to know if you think I didn’t try to dip too far with ‘for now’, if you can find the time to take a look?…

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-08 08:24

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but I meant lose "Last few words:
again, nobody panic - i'm ok lol ... just pushing my limits with the change in style.... "

I'll check out ‘for now'.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Wed, 2012-08-08 08:24

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i thought you meant the last few words of the poem xxx

last few words now gone lol

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-08 08:27

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You can't hide your dark side, it draws me like a tomcat on heat.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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