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Dunhold's Bane (Rhyme Crimes Workshop #2)
Dunhold, strewn across the green of wooded vale and hill serene
was like a casket for a maid, with bushes lush and flowers laid.
Her tip would touch the valley's edge where rivers bent in sickle wedge,
her crown would tickle heaven's sky above the perch where eagles fly.
And like a grave, her fate turned out that her demise, without a doubt
was sowed in greed, her misery, the fruit of their great mystery.
Thandalusia, Dunhold's bane! Their world recoils; their glory wanes.
The end was quick, no other name shall bring more gladness or more shame.
The silent beauty of the night, once jeweled in the silver light,
the valley of a thousand stars has turned to blood, an ageless scar
that stains all Elfheim to this day, from woodless mount to shattered bay.
Those that remain are thought insane. Few wish to speak of Dunhold's bane.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Here's my bit on internal rhyme. Here, the word at the end of each line rhymes with one in the middle of the same line. It's anyone's guess how I arrived at this one. :)
I wanted to be sure if I got this right from the start, but I'll be brave and submit it here. You judge me.
A quick word: this one is from my story I'm still developing. This bit of it is one of the more mature aspects of the story, so I found it easier to turn to poetry.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Ghana
Favorite Poets
William Shakespeare, Lord Byron, John Keats, Percy Shelley, Oscar Wilde, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Henry Longfellow, William Yates, Ezra Pound, Sylvia Plath
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Comments
themoonman
Wed, 2012-06-13 17:18
Hi William,
I have to say that I read your question about this
poem on the main page of the workshop before reading
it, and you have a valid question, this could be split up
to read as end rhymes instead of internal. I'm very interested
to see what Wesley has to say here. This workshop has been
very beneficial to me.
In your last stanza, the first line seems a couple of syllables short,
your story line was good, with a good ending.
Richard
wesley snow
Fri, 2012-06-15 23:06
We briefly discussed the "problem" with evenly spread internals.
The difficulty as I see it arises thus- William decided first of all to write a poem with internal rhyme. As he wrote it, he dutifully felt the meter tick things off and (here it comes) PLACED THE RHYME WHERE THE METER PAUSED FOR IT.
It's a reasonable reaction and the few poems I've written with internal rhyme was written precisely that way. I placed the rhyme where the meter seemed to want it. This is hard for me to say because I am such a stick in the mud about form, but internal rhyme is best served with a bit of randomness. Place the rhymes where they will strengthen the phrase. 1) to emphasize an important noun or phrase. 2) to add to the musicality of the thing. Rhyme strung closely together often tends to speed up a line. 3) to add humor (Dr. Suess).
Use your instinct more than your brain.
Now I have to wash my mind out with soap.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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William Saint George
Sat, 2012-06-16 04:06
Got it!
I'm going to try out another poem, with a bit of randomness, just as you suggested. :)
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentwesley snow
Sat, 2012-06-16 12:21
This shows you how much I read Tolkien.
In a later version, he removed the dash. I gotta get some help. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
judyanne
Wed, 2012-06-20 09:56
unfortunately
i read the conversations on the workshop site and here, so the rhyme was spoilt a little with my being over-conscious of where it was while reading it
lol - i have to say though bill, it has spoilt my favourite poe line as well
'Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary'
- so you're in great company :)
an awesome write, great descriptive giving me heaps of visuals
- and great rhyme
i really like this poem
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
William Saint George
Wed, 2012-06-20 16:36
And
I'm glad you liked it. Sorry for the spoilers though, but I do hope you got a feel of the wider tale from which this poem is sort of "derived" :)
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2012-06-20 21:48
Judyanne,
Clarify! What is wrong with the Poe verse? The end stop rhyme is "proper". What else are you looking at it?
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
judyanne
Wed, 2012-06-20 21:54
wesley
there is nothing wrong with the poe verse
i was simply commenting on the previous comments on placement of rhyme whicn includes your comment 'but internal rhyme is best served with a bit of randomness'
heavens wesley - are you picking on me or something?
lol
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
wesley snow
Wed, 2012-06-20 22:16
Of course not Judy.
I'm just slow on the uptake and still want to take it up. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about