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DROPPED BALL

People won’t remember
the things they say
the actions done
that they’re hidin’.

People won’t remember
the injustices started
the overwhelming problems
created by that uncaring family.

It’s the moth caught
by the spider,
there is the deer
choked by the catamount.

You’re slippin’ on the ice
losing balance walking in the mud
scratching for a handhold
while falling down the cliff.

You’re puttin’ the skids on
desperate to avoid the razor
you’re dropping to your knees
finally remembering to pray.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
In 1987, the band The Who put out an album named “Its Hard”. Cut 6 is the song “Eminence Front” which received a lot of airplay on radio. The song identified the false nature of much of societal interactions, the sadness of lack of depth, and calls forth a certain “something is definitely amiss”. This poem is in that spirit.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hi Ray
I really like the content of this but I would like it to have more rhythm and flow get it more song like...
There is good imagery but its sort of in big lumps..
I have taken some grave liberties with this and it may no longer say what you wanted...its a suggestion only! Sam

People won’t remember
the things said
when slippin’ on the ice
losin balance in the mud

the actions done
now you’re hidin’.

People don’t remember
the injustices started
scratchin for a handhold
while fallin down the cliff

the actions done
now you’re hidin

People won't remember
the overwhelmin problems
that uncarin family, the moth
caught by the spiders web

the actions done
now you’re hidin

Will they remember
You’re puttin’ the skids on
desperate to avoid the razor
or
you dropping to your knees
finally remembering to pray.

Just a thought sorry if its one too far! x

First, thanks for taking the time to re-write my piece! I mean, you really did re-write the whole thing, and gave it a different direction than I did.

My intent was to describe the falseness of society, the dis-ingenuine way family interacts over important matters, and a strong distaste for the way sometimes things go., I was inspired by a song, “Eminence Front”, however had no intent of writing this piece song-like.

Here’s the link in case you would like to view it: https://youtu.be/KI_npEyjgxA
This is a rare vid showing the who from the early ninteies, sans Kieth Moon, with a keyboard player, and Rodger Daltry playing rhythm gituar instead of doing lead vocals.

That having been said, i guess that I had been feeling angry most of the day when I got around to writing this. I was dwelling on a unique experience of estate disbursement that I didn’t like or agree with. Wrote it after taking steps to change my perspective (a few beers) and the only changes I made to what my then intoxicated muse had to say was the deletion of a couple of names, and the addition of a couple of pronouns.

I really wanted a perspective on the piece, that could be obtained here from all ya’ll great poets here on Neopoet.

BTW, a “catamount” is the southern name for a Mountain Lion, one of my continent’s fiercest predators.

I don’t think that this is one of my best pieces. I’ll ponder on the edits you propose a bit… a they are valueable.

Cheers, Samary! Again, thanks for taking the time to post your critique!

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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author comment

Love it Ray. The poem held me like a magnet too.
I've been addicted to Visions of Johanna by Bob Dylan (The Gerry Garcia version). It was work but I pulled Thoughts of Mary from it. Music or the creativity from others' is of the greatest muses.
Later,
Mark

THE MARK
.
If you take the time to read a poem then take the time to study it and form an opinion as well. Then put your opinion in the comment box. That is basic critique, what Neopoet is all about. Do it often or catch the next ride outta Dodge!

Glad you fornd this interesting enough! thank you for taking the time to comment.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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author comment

From my perspective, (I am not a greatly learned man), I am thinking that some of what you wrote is disjointed, making it difficult to follow your train of thought. I think that some punctuation would help this.

For example; S2L3. If the word "created" was preceded by a comma, or moved down to the next line, it would make more sense, but one really can't say if that was your intention. It could even have it's own line, I suppose...
After dwelling over the confusion I personally felt, the result was disregarding the stanza altogether. Maybe it would read better if I had a few brewskies (Rather appealing, actually) lol
The piece has relevance and I suppose it helped to vent frustration, so good for you.

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

Thank you for the time you took to comment!

If i moved the word created to the next line, it would help, indeed.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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author comment
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