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Dreams of Mayhem...

Dragon's breath blows from the fire
His shirt and cloak doth steam
Eyes of red and yellow stare
He's caught up in the dream

The rumble of the beast in him
Answers to the storm
Rain sheets down to mask his howls
In a night of emotions torn

The scent of prey, is washed away
He's left with naught a smell
The fog creeps in to cover tracks
That will lead him straight to Hell

The things he'd do to innocence
Neath his calm, just out of sight
The urge to fill his mouth with blood
Ripping flesh with all his might

So, you think you know him
But nay, it is not true
You really can't imagine
All the things that he would do

He huddles to the fire bright
All through the night of rain
The tempest passes slowly
And doth not wash away his pain

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

language used in later lines, I'm a little surprised you didn't use "doth" in place of "does" in your second line.
For the most, it reads pretty cool and I enjoyed your subject. It could polish up with some work on the meter in spots.
The title is intriguing, and adds a spin (or level if you prefer) to the poem overall.
I would spend time on the last line to put some real punch in it.
"like mayhem to his hungered pain" or something like that might be a consideration.

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

You are right about the language, I was tempted to go all out with the so-called archaic mode and "bedamned" with those who do not care for it in modern writing. I have rewritten it to reflect the tone and hope that it irritates the shit out of those who don't care for it! I should know better than most; that poetry is more than just an idea that is put down to the liking of others. Either you like it or you don't! So here it is! I'm not sure of where the meter is gone wrong, so a little help here please? I think I will leave the last line as it is, except for the addition of a [doth] instead of [does]. It doesn't need more punch; the idea that the storm and the rain might, but doesn't wash away his pain, is the thought that I wanted the reader to be left with. Thank you for the read and critique. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Let's look at stanza 1 (this is just me talking my preference in meter)
CAPITALS are emphasized syllables, lower case are quiet syllables

"Dragon's breath blows from the fire" DRAG-on's BREATH blows FROM the FIRE
that line starts with a cap syllable

"His shirt and cloak doth steam" his SHIRT and CLOAK doth STEAM
that line starts with a quiet syllable. Not a biggie, because the previous line ended with a cap syllable

"Eyes of red and yellow stare" EYES of RED and YELL-ow STARE
starts with a caps again

"He is caught up in the dream" he is CAUGHT up IN the DREAM
starts with 2 quiet syllables. This could be more orderly by changing "he is" to "he's"

Meter in a poem is purely subjective, but that's partly my take on this one. What I found most cool about this poem is that it has that "boil'n'bubble" chanty style to it.

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

Just wanted to le you know, that I appreciate the read and critique. I did make some changes.
~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

author comment
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