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DREAMS OF HEAVEN

I remember heaven
. fleece dotted crisp blue skies
.peppered with migrating flocks
.trumpeting their joy

I remember
. muscadine tinted air
. strolling through forests' cathedral
among random columnades
shafts of sunlight
making places special
by their spotlight
and shadows drifted with the day

I recall
.pristine chuckling waterways
.where wood ducks and kingfishers splashed
. blue cranes stalked
.amid riffles' rhinestones
.beneath autumn's garb
.as squirrels quarreled
and turkeys yelped

Yes I remember heaven

as I subsist
...................here

Where eyes sting from grit and grime
breath,,,chokes....on noxious fumes
and all around is ruins
blind eyed windows in crumbling buildings
where crack zombies shuffle
...............................................or worse
and grey brothers' bare tails lash
as they nose about dessicated detritus
of discarded dreams

In this place winds only ooze
always either hot.......or cold
where smog tints sunsets green
all that flies is
yesterday's papers
and green fies seeking open sores
And All
...is grey
......as I also have become
........since moving to this Gotham
.......where Heaven
.........is
...........but
..............a
..............memory
in hell

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

beautifully written. I hope life gets better for u

First let me thank you for taking time to visit and leave comment. And second, don't worry as this poem is Not reflected by my present situation but is , rather, a figament of my imagination (thank God).I often try to put myself in others' shoes and then write about it.........................stan

author comment

yeah I do the same like for my last poe, resurrect me is about the past.

poem*

Loved the write, now you have brought tears to my old eyes, that you have moved from the Aspen reaches, to a city that is so stark and dirty,, LOL.
That we know of you Stan, you see that there are still some that arrive here at Neo where we need to put Fiction at the end.
Take care young traveller will seek you by the quiet waters and Flat asses trails, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I knew this wasn't very good but I didn't think it so bad as lead to tears lol. That "fiction " thing might be a good idea as I recall posting a poem about somebody going into a high risk surgery and everybody though it Was Me...............stan

author comment

figament of my imagination....wowow...

as it brought your heaven
all around me
did you see?

loved

I am happy to have shared a bit of heaven with you..............stan

author comment

but then I composed one fully
you may now read it
if you like to meet me in heaven ....
its on earth only....
but not yet lonely

loved

that I hate that you put your titles in caps? It feels pretentious.

Love the poem, profound and meaningful.

But what is the stops at the beginnings of lines? A device? I don't think it works.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Yeah you know how pretentious I am LOL. It's just something I do to differentiate the title from the poem.Plus it looks better when I copy a poem onto paper. Mere habit.The stops at the beginnings are there because that's the only way I have found on this site to put space at the beginnings of lines without winding up with lines double spaced and I sometimes like to use the form for punctuation. On old neopoet the stops weren't necessary to get the spacing I wanted. So when you see a string of stops at the beginning of a line just ignore them.

I appreciate you coming by and hope I've answered your concerns............stan

author comment

Good God, Almighty! I come back and the first Scribbler poem isn't rhyming? I must have died and gone to heaven.

Got to come back & read it again & share this with Barry.

You da man!

~A

Ok, I read it to him. He gives it a one thumb's up. I think you could prune some branches without killing the poem.

~A

LOL I've been trying to write about 3-4 free verse per month. Hopefully your heart palpatations have now gone away lol. I'm gonna prune a few twigs off this but I think the heaven part needs to retain a bit of overdone imagery as it fits with the protagonist recalling only the good parts of "heaven". Hmmmm........I wrote a free verse, when will we get a rhymer out of you? (don't worry, I'm not holding breath). Appreciate you dropping by.........stan

author comment
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