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Dreams that follow me - Anapestic Tetrameter-need feedback
I can not out run ghost living in empty space
Ghost which haunt night and day recurring every day
Dancing dreams of misdeeds live inside tortured me
Wondering when will I be let free finding peace
Eternal burning flame that won’t be ever quenched
Tell me please is there rest for all those passed away
(da da DUM, da da DUM, da da Dum, da da DUM)
I can not/ out run ghost/ liv-ing in/ emp-ty space Ghost which haunt/ night and day/ re-curr-ing/ eve-ry day Danc-ing dreams/ of mis-deeds/ live in-side/ tor-tured me Won-der-ing/ when will I/ be let free/ find-ing peace E-ter-nal/ burn-ing flame/ that won’t be/ ev-er quenched Tell me please/ is there rest/ for all those/ passed a-way
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I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Region & Country
New York City, N.Y. Spanish Harlem
Favorite Poets
P. Neruda, Jose de Diego, E. Dickenson, R. Frost, there are many more, but these had the greatest influence...
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Comments
emogothgirl
Mon, 2012-01-23 21:24
wow
you did a far better job than i ever could! anapestic tetrameter, jeezum...anyways, i was confused with L4 because i pronounce wondering as wond'ring -- the E just is never there, lol -- but then i saw the parsing and *face palm!* at first i read it
Wondering when/ will I be/ let free...huh?
see this is the difference in dialect and accent and stuff!
nice job,
mag
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-01-23 21:34
mag
because I have a NY accent to say Spanish Harlem I use the dictionary to make sure. It does help a lot when you parse a poem in this workshop oh by the way this is my very first anapestic tetrameter I am surprised I pulled it off at all. hahaha! thanks for the visit and comment.
Fast Eddie Esq.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2012-01-24 12:53
Dear Eddie,
For me, it would help if you described what anapestic tetrameter is in your footnote. such as:
da DUM da DUM etc.
also should it be (Ghosts) or (a ghost)
sorry to be a pain but I'm a bit confused and unsure of what anapestic tetrameter is.
a great poem, by the way.
always, Cat (& eddy)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2012-01-24 13:17
Cat,
Jess left a comment on "More Meter" that explain each meter and how to parse it. he made clear each of the meters I will copy and paste it here so you can have it when you parse a poem in the workshop.
METERS: The "DUM" is the stressed syllable,
I will kill especially you
Kill you, Kill you, Kill you, Kill you, Kill you,
da DUM, da DUM, da DUM, da DUM, da dum
death by Iambic Pentameter
I will definitely kill you
Kill you, Kill you, Kill you, Kill you, Kill you,
DUM da and so on
death by Trochaic Pentameter
I will kill you right now
Kill you now, Kill you now, Kill you now, Kill you now,
da da DUM and so on
death by Anapestic Tetrameter
I will definitely kill you, now
Kill you now, Kill you now, Kill you now, Kill you now,
Dum da da and so on
death by Dactylic Tetrameter
I hope this helps?
Eddie
(nothing personal we just have to read the syllabus and all the pertinent comments from Jess and Wes)
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentlou
Wed, 2012-01-25 00:20
Eddie
not being an expert on meter, all I can say is great use of vocabulary but a little disjointed, it reads a little like a group of words rather than a cohesive poem.
But what do I know lol
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2012-01-25 09:33
lou,
you are right, but for the purpose of learning in this workshop I think I did well in creating a "Anapestic Tetrameter" poem. This is a very good workshop The best that I've been in since I came here. I have to say that Jess and his Co-leaders have done an amazing job at lease from my point of view.
Thanks lou I am back on Skype if you need to get in touch with me, buddy.
Eddie'
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2012-01-24 23:37
Bloody well done.
Fabulously courageous effort. Proud of you.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2012-01-25 09:40
Jess,
your ablity to open my mind to this with a couple of well place words by you has made the difference in the learning process here. Jess it is you who need to pat himself on the shoulders for a bloody good job on your part, for that I thank you and your co-leaders.
Thanks professor, a wonderful workshop!
Fast Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentEduardo Cruz
Wed, 2012-01-25 09:40
Jess,
your ablity to open my mind to this with a couple of well place words by you has made the difference in the learning process here. Jess it is you who need to pat himself on the shoulders for a bloody good job on your part, for that I thank you and your co-leaders.
Thanks professor, a wonderful workshop!
Fast Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2012-01-25 11:52
Okay, Grammar Cop
Pull over.
I hate to be a turd here Eddie, but your poem is not anapest. I'll try to answer Cat's question while scanning your poem.
First, anapest is a three syllable poetic foot. It is comprised of two unaccented syllables followed by an accented syllable.
"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house."
Here is your first line scanned as if it were anapest.
"I can not/ out run ghost/ living in/ empty space."
The most natural stressing of "living in" would be on the first syllable. That makes it dactyl. Keats said "if poetry cannot be written naturally, it should not be written at all."
The same thing happens in the next line where you are stressing the "ing" in recurring.
I have more nit picking (forgive me), but I'm late for work. Here's hoping my computer turns on when I return (having some problems), so I can come back and ruin the rest of your day.
Take care Eddie, I really do mean to be helpful.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-01-25 12:07
Wesley,
Thank you for the description of anapest: a foot of three sylabuls,the first two unstressed with the third stressed. I think the hardest part is remebering the terms. Again, thank you!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2012-01-25 14:11
Wes
looking forward to the lesson, I appreciate your cantor. BRING IT!!
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2012-01-25 17:46
hello
I read the poem and it seems to me to require a predetermined "poetic voice" to achieve what you seek in this poem.
Now I'm not saying I could do better but doesn't good meter depend on a natural pronunciation? ..............stan
wesley snow
Wed, 2012-01-25 21:01
Here, here.
If the words cannot be spoken in a natural way it won't be poetry. The natural pronunciation of any word predetermines its viable position in any line.
A limiting of options.
But just because we do not allow ourselves the option of putting a word, any word, in any old spot does not mean the poem can be ugly. This is sometimes referred to as "poetic license".
Viva la Limitación
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about