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Dream Castles

Dream Castles

Remember
The enchanted places
Where
Unashamed we played
Between
Weed grown fences
Amongst oceans
Of windblown grass

we sailed
On our mirth
You
Were Captain
I
Was first mate

We gallantly fought
Marauding pirates
Swashbuckling
Through the days
On
The high seas
Of
Childhood desires
Defending our dream castles
Built on the hills of our imagination

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Reconstruction, thanks to Ross Hamilton Hill and Judy.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Dream Castles Castles seems inappropriate Galleons?

Remember the enchanted places
where unashamed we played
between weed grown fences,
(in the )oceans of windblown grass

We sailed on mirth, you the Captain
and me the first mate.
Gallantly fighting pirates the repitition of 'ing' in fighting and marauding is sonically awkward
Swashbuckling through the days
On the high seas of our childhood (desires) desires is implied
could do with another line to finish it
I liked the visuals in this and some lines are really melodic, i changed the layout for my own benefit to better analyse it, your layout works as well
all the best
ross

For your thoughtful analysis of my piece. As requested, I added two lines. I hope you find them pleasantly adequate to fulfill the previous gap. I see that something was needed. Otherwise it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop, lol. If you see how I can improve those lines please let me know.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

i like the structure. dreams are almost never definite in their shape or story line, and this mimics this almost perfectly. if only it were longer! i'd love to see what else you could come up with on this. the title fits well, and imaginary fortress to set the scene. nice job.
yours,
mag

I'm so glad to see you! Thanks for your opinions and I'm glad you liked my little dream of childhoods fancy. This comes from an actual dream I had, taking me back to a visit with my long lost friend!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

beautiful cat
lovely visuals with your descriptive – and I felt a little homesick for my childhood as I read it
well done

just my suggestions for a couple of changes- as well as making stanzas to allow the reader to take in each thought

as you know, always it is only imo

remember
the enchanted places
where
unashamed we played
between
weed grown fences
(amongst) oceans
of windblown grass

we sailed
on our mirth
you
were Captain
I was first mate

(we) gallantly (fought)
marauding pirates
swashbuckling
through the days
on
the high seas
of
(our – I’d drop) childhood desires

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

You have a great eye for simplicity and detail! Thank you for your suggestions which I have utilized. I hope you give it another read now that it has been reconstructed. Tell me what you think of the addition of the two ending lines.

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

oh cat
can I be honest?

no I don’t like the added lines – at least not at the end

I think ‘on the hills of our imagination’ might fit nicely before ‘we gallantly fought‘, and ‘defending our dream castles’ after ‘remember’ before ‘the enchanted places’…

but I really liked the ending as it was at ‘on/ the high seas /of / childhood desires’

lol my opinion only
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you for your considered opinion, I appreciate it very much. I read both versions to Steve (my squeeze) and he liked this one best. So I will wait until I hear more from other readers, before I change it.

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

A poem that tickles some with childhood dreams and pleasure plays where an open field becomes an Ocean to sail or just play.
Words bounced off of memories eyes, the little childrens Oceans Castles or gallions it matters not.
That your poem has brought such a visual variety to us means that it is beautiful, you even had Ross in his wisdom rewrite it in his words then say that the original is fine.
Cant say more than well done except, Blood, blood, bloody, well done, stealing a little Jessism lol.
Yours as always, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

It pleases me greatly to read that you enjoyed this write! Thank you for your enthusiasm! I wonder what Jess would say, LOL!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

collapsing on the grass
the ocean as you say,
the winds snap
the sails of imagination
but
I like the new critic
he is a master
unlike Jess,
he has his own stunning way
one should let him have his say
and
so I think I must now not stay
a very good flashback
for today…

loved

Thank you for reading this piece of mingled fantasy and memory. I'm glad to read your words. Yes, he is good (RHH) just a little bit brusk, a bit different, but right on. I guess I am more used to Judy's gentle way of instruction, lol.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

to make any refrain
on world class poets
but
how glad I feel
so many have had to yield
and now compose
FREE VERSE poetry mostly
including you
Cat and Judy

Others will follow soon
we all will see

A poet of class
free verse is
LOVEDLY
admittedly

loved

beautiful and inspirational too dear Cat. I haven't read the original to see the changes as I felt really satisfied with this version.
I especially liked

We gallantly fought
Marauding pirates
Swashbuckling
Through the days
On
The high seas
Of
Childhood desires
Defending our dream castles
Built on the hills of our imagination

as they took me back many years (I won't say how many though :))
Thanks for evoking such beautiful memories.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

You are a joy to host! I'm pleased to have not only entertained you with this poem, but to have shared the memories of childhood. Thank you so very much for reading and commenting in the sweet way that is yours alone.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Enchanting, love the imagery. Made me think of me and my cousin roaming the woods by where my grandparents lived, fun times!

thank you for digging up this old poem of mine. it gave me a smile to read it again, as I am rather fond of it :) I am glad it brought you back in time to a happy place!

*hugs, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

With a title like Dream Castle how could I not read it? Love castles and very much a dreamer!

it is good to be a dreamer!

*hugs, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Very evocative poem = sand castles and childhood games creating a solid fortress of happy memories and serving as a good foundation for battling the ups and downs of real life.

I never quite looked at it that way before, you are right! thank you!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment
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