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A Dream

A Dream

I often has dis poignant dream
Of a maiden whose beauty is soft and dear,
A lovely dame of yesteryear,
Who kneels beside a shrine and a stream.

And tan in the moonlight she comes to me,
In the nascent moonlight, tender, of the spring,
Which inspires songbirds in the trees to sing
In a minor tone, by the fountains near the sea.

John Lars Zwerenz
#love #art #beauty #life #travel

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Full of images that make no sense, fleeting pictures that spool out like a loose film reel gone mad bouncing down the stairs.

I like your piece. However it seems more like a waking moment than a dream.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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You write one. I don't take advice when it comes to my verse.

author comment

but when I read it, the piece does not evoke in me the timelessness and depth of wonder that I know it could.
This is because you are using too many unnecessary words, imo. Poetry of this sort must grab the heart of its reader and fill it with wonder, stopping time and leaving behind a lasting sense of otherness.
You can start correcting this by getting rid of all the 'a's and 'and's. Most of them are unnecessary, and will not detract from the cadence or rhyme of your work.

Next, I would add a word or two, words that evoke time and eternity.

Example:
"Who kneels beside a shrine and a stream"

to

"Who kneels beside ancient shrine and stream"

Of course, this is only an example, I expect you will have different ideas.
But when you edit, do not change the overall meaning, because it works, and works well.
Hope this helps,
and a somewhat belated welcome to Neopoet.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

""Who kneels beside ancient shrine and stream" is one of the worst lines me has ever come across. Respectfully yours, John

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