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Doubts and Assurances

Ive been scared to think as of late
Dream of things I love and want
It seems so much more to contemplate
Impossible to formulate

I have you now
Were together
Yet there's questions on my mind
The biggest one will you stay forever?

But perhaps not the biggest
Its a gateway question
Too afraid to pull the trigger..
Would you stand on an alter at our precession?

If I gave you me body and soul
Pay this hefty toll
I'll be right here thick and thin
Follow you straight to hell then back again

If I put my faith in that you'll stay
You could escape gone tomorrow here today
Loyally I would follow hairs and strands
Should you reach out and offer hands

When at last wed settle lost in thought
I'd bury deep my heart you bought
Love for love in fair exchange
Praying never our hearts to change

Beautiful in thought and speech
Still in my mind a dreadful screech
A passing fancy a hollow love
Not destined by the stars above

Not by me but by my fear
That in my eyes you'll leave a tear
When turning back away again
And I'm forced to forget pretend such sin

Why leave a life you wanted
Why leave and be left too haunted
As I said before you're here today
What burden my heart should you stray

If I'm left to die again once more
Left holding on to a promise you swore
Then sweep my heart into the wind
For it was yours and now you've left
No more my heart will play pretend
Its lost all purpose all way of meaning
I'll still it's pain through still of breathing

So stay with me and be my wife
The two of us could have a life
Forget past lessons and ugly deception
Thrown about in wicked succession

I'm here today tomorrow and always
Holding hands in arterial chambers and hallways
Stay and I'm yours if only asked
Or leave and complete the chip that you started

I've lost my nerve so I'll hold you once more and pray that you want me
I'll wait to find out as only times tick will tell me the answer
Eyes open I know someday I'll see
I hope you'll be worth the loyalty and not just a cancer.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 


Having read the message in your profile helped in relating to the theme of this poem. It pretty well sumps up your dream to have a committed companion and instead of short term affairs. There is room for improving the cadence, which I believe you would attempt when you tweak up this rough draft as well as some areas where you could do away with some words/language issues, e.g. :-

1. Follow you straight to hell then back again [you can do away with "again" since "back" is generally not followed by "again"]
2. When turning back away again [ here you may get rid of "away"]

A few more suggestion for you to consider:-

1. Ive been scared to think as of late [ a need to add apostrophe between I and ve]
2. Were together [did you mean we're together?]
3.. Yet there's questions on my mind either go for "there's a question" or "there are questions"- a case for singular / plural]
4. When at last wed settle lost in thought [ did you mean "we'd" instead of "wed"?]
5. What burden my heart should you stray [ try to replace "what" with "why" and conclude with a "?" mark]

I won't delve into punctuation, but you may want to pay attention while you progress and keep posting more. Having said that, I liked this poem and will look forward to more.


raj (sublime_ocean)

try a poem on politics, natural beauty, surrealistic comedy, anything but what you are doing.
Really, you've got the skills. Use them.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

It is not always that Jess goes through the entire set of poems of a poet here on Neopoet at one go. I strongly suggest that you take his comments positively and innovate by choosing different theme and may be even explore your way into other forms as well. I tend to agree with his comments. While being critical you should note that he has also made positive comments about your having a good potential.


raj (sublime_ocean)

take it as a compliment that I was intrigued enough by your talent to follow you and criticise you so harshly.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

You claim compliment, yet react with boredom. A theme is an excellent thing to have. If the world is made of light and darkness why do I have to be the light because you feel it's right? I do not think myself a god. I am simply disgusted by the generation of narcotic and neurotic people I meet in this world. The men going out to get "pussy" and "ass" every Saturday night. Or the people who can't wait to get "fucked up." Some people are actually into it. But its people who don't like to drink or smoke or live that kind of life for that matter, and sell out I can't stand. And it happens everywhere. Friends of mine. Friends of yours. Your children. Its all about fitting in. I have a theme perhaps. And it certainly may be the negative one. But its the world I see. I take solace like you in the little things. Our setting sun, a refreshing rain storm. But its hard to focus on the little things when I have to hear of my friends overdosing on spice because someone said they were lame if they didn't try it. The idea of poetry is to open up your mind to seperate realities besides your own. You dont have to read my poems if they don't interest you. However I will write what I see, what I feel, and what I am. I don't think I'm superior to anyone. I am simply a neutral party in a world that is moving right by me. Just as a photographer can take a picture, I can show you what I see, but that doesn't mean you'll like it. Life isn't just sunshine. War, famine, disease. I am the kind of person who reminds you that ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away. And having said that I hope if I decide to post anything else on here that you consider that before you judge on a theme you may not agree with. Because I can take you on a journey, but you may not like the destination. My stuff isn't fake. My poems are the ones that refuse your narcotics. Your cocaine and your methamphetamines. People like me who tell the truth are often seen as arrogant. Because people are afraid of the truth and they think if someone tells it to them then they are being unreasonable or cocky. But people like me say what they feel. No offense to you but when you read my poems, try to figure out why I am writing them. Just as a quick example this poem is about whether or not I am ready to ask my high school sweetheart who's kicked my heart in the ass a few times and I've returned the favor whether or not I am ready to marry her. Whether or not I believe shell stay with me forever or be gone by morning. Just remember that there are two sides to a story and in a trial of anything you can't judge only one without the other. I'll be the other side. And as always I'll still be sitting on the sidelines waiting for the world to change and writing it as I see it. Do not hate because I refused to sell my soul to this generation. There are a million of them and only a handful of us.

Hope you enjoy and expand your views to see what is instead of what everyone tells you to see


Unto Oblivion, We Depart

author comment

your choice.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

This was obviously a letter to a love, maybe it just ran too long but it read OK.
You will find a good range of critique here and suggestions as to making your work even better, it is better to discus the comments than become embroiled in poetic combat, if you see what I mean..
One natural typo that your spell checker wont pick up as the word is valid:-
Alter = to change..
Altar = is the table you have in a church at the East end..
Take care out there yours, Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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