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Doomed

Stars strung like Christmas lights
across a midnight sky
Moon looking more like
a child's beach ball
lightening tears a jagged line
fabric torn
then thoughts bleed through
and tumble
to late
they have run amok
misbehaving children
gone wild
no self control
memories flood
doomed

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

You nailed it!

THE MARK
.
If you take the time to read a poem then take the time to let the author know you were there. Study it and form an opinion as well, even if it means going back to it more than once. That is basic critique, what Neopoet is all about.

Thank you kind sir

Chrys

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author comment

I love the Christmas tree lights opening line leading to the closing line "Doomed" creates a wicked journey

Thank you for the visit and comment

Chrys

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both Steve and & read your poem. he said that it starts out with a happy state of mind and over time spirals down in depression where it bottoms out. I agree. let us know if we are wrong. I also think that this poem needs to be fleshed out a little with more fact and detail.(to make it more clear) you are on to something, here. you have the base for a great poem!

*hugs, Steve and Cat

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"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

point is the memories are doomed to stay with and haunt me. No I wouldn't agree it starts out happy and ends depressed. How would you flesh it out, I thought it was complete as a complete thought

Chrys

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on rereading, I find out I am wrong about fleshing it out as it is all that it should be. the opening line makes me think happy thoughts, as Christmas/Yule, is a happy time in our household. the poem is great as it is, but tell me, should I worry?

love ya, Cat
-

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

The promise of the opening line that spirals into doom as the work progresses is pure genius I love how the lines draw you in with pretty images and by the end the other shoe drops along with my jaw and I am hooked

Thank you once again. One poem did all that

Chrys

check out our chat room open to all 24/7

author comment
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