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Don't mind me

This mind petrifies and engages me
Thoughts of what was and what could be
Sharp days with clarity my friend
Bad days that feel like they’ll never end

Everybody sees a different mask

Can this lucidity stay a bit longer?
It’s holding my heart up
And leaves good thoughts to ponder
Simplicity let’s me know it’s okay to be lead off track
It guides me back to the moment that I should be living in
And holds my hand while I jump right in
Go ahead, say what you need to say, it doesn’t matter what they think anyways

With precision by my side I am faster, smarter, stronger
Sometimes, it stays to visit for days
Sometimes the mask hides the haze

The haze surrounding the mind, coinciding with my own choices
Back and forth now, in come the voices
Some tell me I’m right, most tell me I’m wrong
Blasphemy in its finest, dragging the mind along
Riding the title wave, heading straight for shore
negativity smashes down the door

The smile masks the fact that I’m drained and don’t want to talk
Energy levels shifted, but still some left for a walk
So I walk and walk to try and bump into clarity on the side of the road
But I come up empty, with feelings left untold
I guess in some way, I care what people think of me
Don’t patronize me, or judge a soul for wanting to live free
With a racing heart and a tounge that's tied
doubt sinks in and becomes the mastermind

Doubt says that what I have to offer wouldn’t make a difference,
best to keep your mouth silent
All thats left to feel is indifference

With the intention now not to be seen, I drift away in a surreal daydream
Where the grass grows mighty, and my problems feel small
In the vision, technicolor is everywhere
From the lights in my heart, to the eyes and color of one’s hair
To live in that state would be bitter sweet
So I practice breathing in and out to feel the ground beneath my feet

Influence in the media, it’s everywhere we go
Telling us how to look, shop, act
Engaging the mind and telling us what we lack
Making us question the heart, mind, and intention
Leaving the impact of a life lesson
Somebody once told me that as humans,
we have to learn to be okay with the uncomfortable silence
In time, what we learn during those moments will help define us

When others act so aloof and entitled in my presence
my mind goes straight to severance
Aren’t we supposed to communicate? Be open and real in any state
Not in this world
We tip-toe around each others feelings, while hiding the dark circles under our eyes
to add appeal to the ultimate disguise
Happiness
Where’s my patience and empathy?
Perhaps, those people are fighting their mind too.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

helluva first submission ... a lot to unpack!!!

This is one of those writes that can be tweaked
for a very long time, I'd start by removing some
unneeded words, example; "astray" in the third
frame is superfluous, and "lead" is incorrect,
the correct use would be "led" ...
I'd go through this poem (if it were mine) and
remove unnecessary words, there are more but
it is a really good write, absolutely enjoyed the
chance to read it, thank you for submitting.

Thank you for your comment moon man
The mind is a helluva subject
I'm re reading it now and it's amazing the little things you can miss or change
I've got some homework to do! Haha

author comment

W.B. Yeats is one of my favorites too. I got to visit Dublin in 2015 and there was an exhibit on his life and works at the National Library. They had original writing from his journals, original copies of his poems, some of his glasses, and so much more. It was wonderful.

I totally agree with Richard, this is a substantial first submission! I'm also not the best with rhyme. Rhyme is a challenge in and of itself, so kudos on that.

A few little suggestions to consider, along with Richard's:

It doesn’t matter what they think anyways --> it doesn’t matter what they think anyways

The longer I try to hold onto it, the quicker it begins to wander --> what is the "it" you are holding onto? It is a little unclear

Blastmophy in its finest--> Blasphemy in its finest

With a racing heart and a tounge thats tied --> tongue that's

Hope you don't mind the suggestions. You don't have to make any of these changes; they are just ideas to inspire you if you decide to revise.

"Where’s my patience and empathy? Perhaps, those people are fighting their mind too" A great message to end on.

Again, welcome. I hope you will find this place to be a place a community of learning that you can call your poetic home.

Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.
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www.lettereddandy.xyz

Such a amazing country Ireland is Kelsey
I count my self lucky too for getting the chance to visit there last summer.

Rhyme is a challenge for sure, it's what i feel im best at in my writing process. Little gramaitical things can be an issue to lol. But this site is awesome and filled with knowledge and great writers from what I've seen so far. I cant wait to get back at it. Thank you for the comment and suggestions!

author comment

I am a FREESTYLE POET
I hate to curb anyone's creativity .

None the less two stalwarts have shown you the RIGHTEOUS path
If i were you
I'd slice this lengthy piece
to poems 1 ...2 or three 3
I have found many read upto 14-19 max lines only

Or just say meaninglessly
nice work keep it up etc
Hope you get the vibes and right juices
HOPEFULLY
coming from a poet learner +7 decades old
Lovedly

and I enjoyed it.

I see you've already received some excellent critique. I would especially pay heed to Richard's (themoonman). Some describe the craft of poetry as 'ruthless elimination of the inessential' or 'compression of meaning'. Rhyme alone does not a poem make, in fact meter (the rhythm or cadence of a piece) is a much more important facet.

One of the great features here is that when you edit a piece a 'Revisions' tab appears above the title where you (and we) can track the evolution of the poem.

Looking forward to more of your work and feedback to others.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I do often find commonalities in the way we in our age write poetry, and this for me is a "rant" poem.
Within the poem there are many stances the poet takes...about himself and his alienation, a personal presence, then shift to a topical stance in which the poem becomes more like a speech or lecture. It goes kind of back and forth, and in the end tries to pack a punch with a rhetorical question.

For me you have several different poems going on, and so the reader doesn't have enough of one to get engaged.

In rhyme you don't have to be consistent unless the rhythm forces you to. then the break in rhyme is a distraction. This happens throughout the poem. Also, as with

Doubt says that what I have to offer wouldn’t make a difference,
best to keep your mouth silent
All thats left to feel is indifference

Try not to rhyme a word with the same word.

In your poem, for me, the best part is you are trying to be honest, which is very difficult. I would try to focus on one aspect of the poem, really put yourself in it- the name of the street, the smell of the air...create a universe and bring us in. Rather than postulate outwards, do it more inwards.
Read poetry and by all means comment, really deeply, on others here whose work you like.
That is the process we all must do to make us better editors of our work, and better poets.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Be bloody ruthless.
Some of those lines can be cut in half or thirds.
A great many words can be improved or removed.

If you put some real editing work into this I think you would have a bloody fine poem on your hands.

As you get to know me you will learn I never piss in pockets.
This has the potential to be a truly superb truly Irish poem.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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