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Don't Go ( 1st - 2nd - 3rd attempts at an anapest ) ( For critique )

Please don't go, stay with me, I will cry if you leave.
If you go I will crack and fragment into two.
Though broken I will wait patiently for your love.
Look behind you will find I am here loving you.

Please don't go / stay with me / I will cry / if you leave.
If you go /I will crack / and frag..ment / into two.
Though bro.ken / I will wait / patient..ly / for your love.
Look be.hind / you will find / I am here / loving you.

Second attempt:

Do not go / please just stay / I will cry / if you leave.
If you go / I will crack. / My heart sliced / cut in two.
Though brok,,en / I will wait / patient..ly / for your love.
Look be..hind / you will find / I am here / loving you.

Third Attempt;

My dar..ling / please don't go / I will cry / if you leave.
And I know / if you go / my heart will / break in two.
If you leave / I will wait / patient..ly / for your love.
Look be..hind / you will see / I am here / loving you.

Fourth Attempt

My dar..ling / please don't go / I will cry / if you leave.
And I know / if you go / my heart will / be bro..ken.
If you leave / I will wait / patient..ly / for your love.
Forev..er / calling you / with soft words / unspo..ken.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
First attempt at an anapest! ( I think ) Though I have opted out of the group ( bottom line ) due to circumstances..I am still trying to listen and learn ( when I can ) and I'm truly gratefully that this site is so instructive and gives personal attention to poets trying to learn. Thanks
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

First line, you have the first two feet mixed then third and forth anapestic.                   Please don't go / stay with me / I will cry / if you leave.                                          Second line first feet and second are anapestic then third and forth are mixed
 If you go /I will crack / and frag..ment / into two.                                                       
    

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thank you soo much for coming by - I appreciate your help. Would it be better for me to start from scratch? There is much more to learning poetry than I ever imagined. Lol I will re-join the croup "if I may" and start from the beginning - ( if you think that is advisable )? I can see that it's not just a case of syllable counting, it is also a case of emphasis. I have an awful lot to learn!

Thanks again for your time and attention.

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

Please don't go. So much feeling expressed.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

So nice to see you! I hope all is well with you. I am greatly encouraged by your comment. This is a practise poem - turn's out that for it to conform to the right criteria it needs some adjustment. ( I'm discovering there is a lot of skill involved in writing formal poetry which I didn't know about ). I'm looking forward to understanding how it works. I'll look in on your webpage.

Thanks once again.

Mand xxx

author comment

Tried checking out your web site but it said that the site was currently unavailable.

author comment

Thanks. You're welcome. Website needs some work.
Yeah, I see what you mean. It does take much skill. Learning to write formally is good. I've never had it in school so getting it here is a blessing.

Im proposing a splash pool workshop and hope you could attend.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I'm learning words I've never heard of. Lol You're right it's amazing to have the chance to learn.

A splash pool workshop sounds good. Thanks for the invite.. What does it entail?

Mand xxx

author comment

I still in the idea stage. Will share once theme and title is clear

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I look forward to it!

author comment

Please don't go / stay with me / I will cry / if you leave.( third and fourth are anapest)

 If you go /I will crack / and frag..ment / into two. (one foot is missed and one is off the anapestic meter)

 Though bro.ken / I will wait / patient..ly / for your love. (not very clean) many feet are off here

 Look be.hind / you will find / I am here / loving you. (only the last is off)  but as Wesley usually says you are almost there but need to focus more on the details.                                   

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I have a lot to learn - I'll get there in the end. I hope. He he

I'm going away next week, to help my elderly parents. I may not have time to log on - ( though I'll miss it if I can't - and I will try my best to log on ). I really am enjoying this group and appreciate the help, honesty and encouragement.

I will be back next Tuesday! ( if I don't get a chance to visit )

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

Enjoy your time with your parents. They are a bless. When you come back we shall still be waiting for you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I have a lot to learn - I'll get there in the end. I hope. He he

I'm going away tomorrow, to help my elderly parents. I may not have time to log on while I'm there - ( though I'll miss it if I can't - and I will try my best to log on ). I really am enjoying this group and appreciate the help, honesty and encouragement.

I will be back next Tuesday!

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

Starting with the Anapest was asking for it. I would advise using Iambic Pentameter first, but I will still give you a general idea of what troubles me with your pieces.
They are what I call "fence sitters". One can actually force the rhythm of Anapest from your verses without running into a brick wall, but I MUST force them. The verses are not quite natural and that is "the bottom line".
If I must read a poem and search for the meter it is written in then it is forced and fails. If I can simply read gently and be carried into the meter without effort on my part the poem succeeds.
Before I scan any of these I want you to take one (only one) and read it to yourself forcing the Anapest. Then determine if it sounds like casual conversation or someone trying to succeed at an exercise in a workshop.
You have a greater grasp of this than you know. Now be harsh with yourself and determine if a verse is "close" or if it is cleanly Anapestic. I think you will find most of your lines are "close"
You are probably in a more difficult place than some of the other poets. If a poet understands Anapest clearly and cleanly then he/she moves on. If the poet misses by the country mile, he/she starts over and tries to approach it from a different ange.
You are neither. Your lines "almost" work Anapestically. Don't be afraid to start over, but I would still suggest taking one of the quatrains and reaching for a "natural" sound.
Don't be afraid to ask Rula and I questions. We are here to help you understand.
Starting with Iamb will make everything else easier. Iamb is the precursor of Anapest. They are related.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I agree,I was somewhat foolhardy to start with an Anapest!. I think it will probably help me to start from scratch -with the lambic pentameter. I have already learned a lot - though I haven't mastered it I know, I now have a rough idea of what I'm supposed to do.

As I've replied to Rula - I'm going away tomorrow to visit my elderly parents for a week. I will try and log in while I'm gone but they've got a few painting jobs lined up for me, so I may not get time. I really appreciate your help and I'm looking forward to learning more when I get back - if the course is still going. I'm really sorry that I won't be around for next week - I'm truly going to miss being part of the group.

Thank you so much for your comments and help. I truly do appreciate it.

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

this shop may end, but there will always be more. Meter is.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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