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domestic loneliness

Submitted by Joan Rolls on Fri, 2015-10-09 07:43

Woman trudging through the room
carting duster, mop and broom.
Cleaning, scrubbing, seeming homely,
no-one knowing she is lonely

Spuds unpeeled on the sink,
waiting silent as she drinks.
Music playing far away,
hoping for a better day.

Dreaded knocking at the door,
calling out, who knows what for.
Nothing left to do but weep,
drifting sometimes into sleep.

Dogs are barking, neighbours whining,
so many loads of washing, ironing.
Back fence gossip, a cup of tea,
moaning always, no time free.

Husband home, she starts the cooking
another drink whilst no-one's looking.
Washing up, prepare for morning
time for bed, her husband's snoring..

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

ThEdges

Fri, 2015-10-09 10:12

ThEdges's picture

You've accurately captured the essence of what's happening in so many homes! The woman doesn't imagine her life ending up this way, but it does. Great piece!

Best,
Laura

Joan Rolls

Fri, 2015-10-09 10:03

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Thanks Laura. Glad you like it.
Joan

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Rula

Fri, 2015-10-09 11:12

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and a warm welcome to Neopoet. I think we met somewhere before :)
Like many women, I can easily relate to this piece, so you can say I really like it.

The line
another drink whilst no-one['s] looking..........just a tiny typo.
a very enjoyable poem.
Thank you for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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raj

Fri, 2015-10-09 14:11

This poem shows good sensitivity and empathy and expressing into poetic verses with good appeal one can relate to, as Laura has said of what could be happening in many homes where the Homemaker feels being used and lonely without a focus in her life which can make days brighter and nights comforting for her...well done Joan....good to see you are now allowing the poetry in you bubble out...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Geezer

Fri, 2015-10-09 17:04

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to you and a piece of work that not only showcases your excellent grasp of rhyme, but also makes one feel that you have feeling of empathy for the subject! Real nice work! ~ Geezer

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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wesley snow

Fri, 2015-10-09 17:36

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You should have no difficulties in the workshop and I think you may enjoy the benefits you will gain.
It is a very emotional poem with good rhythm and a loose, but comfortable rhyme scheme.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
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Joan Rolls

Fri, 2015-10-09 18:44

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Thanks so much everyone for your comments and warm welcomes! I'm hoping to learn heaps on this site. Just have to find more time in the day to get creative.
joan

author comment

Sparrow

Fri, 2015-10-09 18:54

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A grand look at the "her in doors" persons feelings.
Made me sad that there are many that are so lonely, there are lots to do and now you are writing well we now have a world out there to walk in..
Keep writing, Yours as always, Ian..

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

wesley snow

Mon, 2015-10-12 14:08

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The workshop is getting ready to begin. Just in case you can't find it, let me tell you how.

Click on the "workshop" tab at the top of your page. It will give you a list of workshops currently running. Click on "The Minnows Workshop" syllabus which will be to the right of the title and below "submissions".
It will give you a plethora of information about the shop and if you scroll down you will find the main thread where we will have the bulk of our conversations.
Please leave a comment so you can be notified of updates on that thread. There will be many.
Don't worry about the workshop being hard. This will be a foundation workshop talking about the most basic of poetic concepts. I hope we fill some holes in your education. Look for me on some of your other poems.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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