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ditty

Submitted by emeka ozurumba on Tue, 2014-03-18 14:11

parakeet seeing sights of blood
inventing in himself dis-belief
metals collocating preexistence
clop burnishing................
Cain and cane and came.......
down he
fetlock would strangulate common touch,
his poke will batter etiquette
so he still considered loop perch
wise things, and stayed
the humans beneath are splattering
from burnishing wishful stray
long drawn at the guns touch
kissing rain flying the birds
singing of docile spend-thrift
a soldier
soul without body
embodiment given him
self-will , retreating
himself repulsive binoculars
impulsive of bronze dust

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
the sights of a bird seeing a war
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2014-03-20 09:38

weirdelf's picture
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A few minor crits.
Ditty is a terrible title, the poem is so much more than a ditty, I'm sure you could come up with something better.
inventing in himself dis-belief [disbelief]
metals collocating preexistence [pre-existence]
clop burnishing................ [three stops is sufficient for an ellipsis]
Cain and cane and came....... [ditto]

I hope my reading gives you an idea of how it sounds to others-
https://soundcloud.com/jess-tapper/ditty-by-emeka-ozurumba

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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