Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Dismantled ~ Canto 2

‘Long years before the days of gore,
Beyond the thought of Emindor,
In realms of dimmest childhood lay
The memory of one dark day
When one dark man came to his home
With crafty mien. And all alone
Emindor, younger than a score,
Sat quietly beside the door,
Reading aloud a tale of yore
From a scroll spread across the floor.
His father had gone out to sell
His crop of wheat beyond the dell.
He promised Emindor that he
Would be back in less days than three.
Murky the clouds loomed overhead,
Quiet and slow the day had led
It’s winding way to even-light
And beyond that into the night.
For many hours, and unconcerned
Emindor read his scroll, and burned
With wonder at the tales of eld,
Before the Further Lands beheld
The print of man upon their snow,
Oh, all those heroes long ago!
Emindor’s eyes flashed as he read
And saw not stars glow overhead.
“My boy,” a man’s low voice was heard
Stealing through shadows. The boy stirred
And peering through the night, replied
“Who are you?” And although he tried
To see the hidden person’s face
The shadows showed him not a trace.
“Who and where are your parents, lad?”
The man asked. But Emindor had
Just one parent. His mother dead
Saw not her child as he read.
“My father’s down the dell to sell,
Our crop of wheat beyond the hill.”
Emindor said, “He has been gone
One day, and will be back in one.”
“I see,” the man said with a leer,
“You are the lad who’s father dear
Told me about him all so well.”
“You met my father in the dell?”
Emindor asked. If he had been.
A little older, he’d have seen
That though this man was smiles and grace
The face he wore was not his face.
“Of course. He is a mighty man!”
The man said, hatching up a plan
To steal this fair child for his own,
“I met your father in the town,
We talked of many manly things:
The price that wheat or barley brings;
And horses, young or old for hire;
I left him sleeping by the fire.”
“So he is well?” the boy replied.
“Yes, very well, although I tried
To make him come to you with me.
I made him an offer you see.”
“Offer of what?” Emindor said.
The man nodded his shadowed head,
and said, “An offer that I school
His son to use the warrior’s tool.”
“Warrior?!” Emindor gasped, and sprang
Up to his feet. The young voice rang
With thrill of wonder, “Me? To fight
The foes of darkness for the light?
When? What to do? Where do I start?”
He cried. The beating of his heart
Thundering like so many steeds
All battle-ready on their leads.
“Tonight,” the man replied, “We go
Afar to where the masters show
Young warriors how to wield the sword,
The lance, the bow, and fight the horde.”
“Tonight?” Emindor said. A frown
Dimmed his bright eyes and he sat down.
“What of Father?” said he, “Can I
Not bid farewell nor say goodbye?”
“Tonight or never,” he said low,
“Your father knows that you will go.
He sends his blessing and his pride.”
Softly, “All right,” the boy replied,
“I’ll go, and he will follow me.”
The man said reassuringly,
“Your father promised he will come
When you have learned, and take you home.”
So quick and quiet the boy packed
What little possessions he had.
He took the dark man’s grasping hand
And was led out into a land
He’d never seen, nor wished to know.
And that is how the boy did go
Away from home. Was lost into
A life of blood, where evil grew
And no one fighting for the right
Could ever make the darkness light.
All Emindor forgot, save one:
His father’s pledge to bring him home.’

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Just like with Canto 1, I really want critique on logic and flow. This is meant to be a story, and I am hoping it makes sense as such. If anything seems confusing, please let me know so I can fix it! Canto 2 ended up being much more difficult and stiff to write than Canto 1. Please critique!
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I am relieved to hear that it is not as stiff as I thought. I am my greatest critic. XD Thank you so much for reading! Canto 3 will be going up later today.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

And it has been such a pleasure and encouragement to read your thoughts on this story as I write. Yeah, I've only ever read about three other epics (one of which was the Aenid) so I'm treading on uncertain waters here myself. XD Thank you so much for your feedback, even though it is not criticism. I am thrilled that you are enjoying this so much.
Also, I ordered Canto 1 and 2 so because A) Canto 1 makes for a more intriguing opening, B) When told with narrative between the Cantos (as the finished story will be) the flash-back actually does make sense, and C) That is the actual order I wrote them in. Canto 1 was written two nights ago, and then Canto 2 the next morning.
(no need to forgive you! I am actually very curious to know if you think they should (or could) be switched?)
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

It really is no trouble to reply at all. You honor me with your attention and comments.
*sweeps a low bow* I am, after all, a very young and inexperienced bard. ;)
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

come back to this. I really like what you have here. ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

I look forward (semi desperately, it is true) to your further feedback.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

Hello, Thalassa!
I feel as if I am sitting around a midieval campfire listening to an old and wise sage tell a legendary story about an extraordinary man - and I want more! I read Canto 1 - yes! Your meter / rhythm seems good to me, but I am not one to notice as well as others. Love the language, the names...everything. So far, this epic journey seems as logical as it could possibly be at this stage - I see it falling into place really well, but certainly not before we hear more of Emindor's drama and adventures. Put another log on the fire!
Thank you!
L

So, so curious about your title!

It is so wonderful to me that you have that atmospheric feeling when you read this story-poem! :D Mostly because that is the actual setting wherein it is told - by an old 'sage' to a younger person, with breaks of prose between cantos. You might say I have taken the poetry out of a running narrative story.
Will do. I hewed the log this morning and will be adding it to the fire later today.
Haha, good! It does have a strange twist . . .
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

I see some instances where you use look-a-like words
that do not rhyme. [gone - one, own - town, etc..] I know that when you are on a roll,
that it is hard to stop and figure out a word that precisely fits, but it is worth the effort
to change the sentence or rearrange it. Sometimes, even though I have to slow down, I do it, because
one should. When you are using sucessive lines, rather than every other line to rhyme, it shows more
readily and interrupts the flow. As to the rest of your work, it is excellent and I find no fault.
I like the way that it flows from canto to prose and find not a thing to fault there. Nice stuff!
Forgive my lateness to the party here, as I have had a lot going on and will try to catch up. ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

Thank you so much for pointing that out! I will do a thorough scour of all Cantos and try to fix those discrepancies. You are right when you conclude that these happen because of speed in writing. All the Cantos have, thus far, come off the top of my head as I envision a bard would versify the tale at a moment's notice, so that would account for most mistakes. All others would probably fall under the umbrella of limited vocabulary.
Thank you so much for you assessment.
And please don't feel pressured to read my poetry and critique if you are busy. I understand and there is absolutely no rush. :)
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

to increase your vocabulary, you must get a good dictionary that will give you alternate words. A good puzzle dictionary or college dictionary [even an old one]. Use those words when you run into a problem with a word that you want to rhyme. Many times, I have used a word and then searched for a rhyming word that needed the same amount of syllables. Often, you can find and use a word that means what you want just by looking in the dictionary. Another thing, don't just skip over a word when you read a word that you are not famiiar with, but can devine because of the way that it is used. Look it up! You may find ways to use it or a word that means the same in another situation.
The only pressure I feel to read someone's work, is because I'm interested in what they are doing. Never fear, if I wasn't interested, I wouldn't bother. ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

I use thesauruses a LOT, but I never considered using a dictionary. I shall take that advice! We have an enormous unabridged Webster's in my house so that should turn out to be a valuable resource. Thank you for the suggestion.
That is good to know. I know I have continued to help people edit their stories after I lost interest because I felt guilty not to. I am glad you are not this way. XD
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.