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The Discipline,

Submitted by Eduardo Cruz on Mon, 2012-01-09 12:52

Keep me earthbound
You are my gravity
Without you
I fly into empty
Space

Your love holds me
In this place
Like being tied
With soft gentle
Lace

Even when
I am far away
I can feel
the power of loves
Embrace

The distance
Is but a word
where ever I look
I only see your lovely
Face

The strength
Of your discipline
Has given me
Understanding of true
Grace

From you
I have learned
That life and love
should not be lived
in haste

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-01-10 11:28

Candlewitch's picture
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As you know, I really like this piece. My suggestion is to delete the last verse:

From you
I have learned
That life can not
Just be
A rat race

as I feel it detracts from the meaning of the poem. I think it should end with these lines as they say it all:

The strength
Of your discipline
Has given me
Understanding of true
Grace

I hope I have helped.
always, Cat

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Eduardo Cruz

Tue, 2012-01-10 11:50

Eduardo Cruz's picture

Your advise is very good I removed the last stanza or rather changed it. I just feel that and explaintion of what was learned from this patient person who has taken the time to show you the ways of life and love and it's true reward, should be thanked.
Cat, I thank you so much for always taking time to read the dribble I write, you are to sweet!

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

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