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THE DIPLOMAT [JANUARY CONTEST]
THE DIPLOMAT
Leaning on the ship’s rail
water below rushing by
deep sea mediterranean blue waves moving past behind
deep human thoughts going forward
A person is not their work identity.
A person is the being inhabiting the body.
What one does, or did
is not what one is, or has been.
He spoke to me, as if to the waves below,
"I saw a pod of dolphins go by," he remarked...
He was tall, dressed impeccably, dapper, elegant
reading sorrow in him, I thought….
What to say in return ... as if to put a voice to it
circumstances are sometimes just too full to discuss any of it
water below rushing by like the thinking process
deep mediterranean blue waves going their way into time
like looking in the mirror, wishing for different,
"Let it go, let it wash away into the sea" I responded
perhaps it didn't matter that I didn't know his 'it'
white knuckled on the rail, he looked at me
holding the dry rail, holding his angry orange attachments
another pod of dolphins appeared portside
as if to confirm the suggestion made. We watched them
swimming freely, leaping in and out of the blue vastness.
Some of us are skilled in the art of being human.
Some of us are not.
He looked in my eyes, shook my hand,
and walked away down the deck.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Region & Country
South Carolina, USA
Favorite Poets
Tomas Transtormer, Billy Collins, Thomas Lux, Carl Sandberg, William C Williams, Chaucer, Shelly, Keats, EE Cummings, Shamus Heaney, Adrian Rice
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Comments
Teddy15
Sat, 2021-01-09 15:04
Dear Ray
The second stanza is definitely my favourite I love the way it speaks to me. A fantastic poem, I most enjoyed the imagery throughout and your title, and your ending is really just excellent. Best of wishes Sir.
Thank you...Teddy
Ray Whitaker
Sat, 2021-01-09 16:52
Thank you
Thanks for reading!
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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author commentVanRyan
Sat, 2021-01-09 17:56
Hello Ray,
a nice, reflective poem, quite thought provoking. Much liked. Van
Ray Whitaker
Sat, 2021-01-09 18:53
Thank you
I appreciate you stopping by ro read it.
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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author commentAsche Keegan
Sun, 2021-01-10 03:21
Dear Ray,
WOAH
As always, you've done it again!! That last stanza is truly superb, and I love all the little thoughts and philosophy plugged into this poem. As far as CC, the pacing was a little random, and I felt like I was getting lost in the overall flow (kind of like one would get lost in the waves, I suppose), but it was well done, and it seemed to work very well.
Great job!
..................................................
https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass
Ray Whitaker
Sun, 2021-01-10 08:15
Good Morning to you, Asche
Thank you for your kind words.
I do need to work on rhythm. It is something I always wonder about when I write. I know I have a good sense of rhythm when I am playing music... sometimes it does not translate so well when I write.
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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author commentGeezer
Sun, 2021-01-10 11:34
I feel...
that maybe if you shortened some of the lines, you could better the rhythm. For instance:" deep sea, mediterraean, blue waves traveling past behind; could be: [blue waves, traveling past... behind.]
You also should make parts that are a bit murky, clearer. I never saw the part where he said anything about 'it'. How to respond to [it]? What I saw was a reference to dolphins. I did love the last stanza! Marvelous! ~ Geez.
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Lavender
Mon, 2021-01-11 10:24
The Diplomat
Hi, Ray,
Leaves me wondering if this really happened to you. If so, a well-captured moment. I, too, had to pause and ask what "it" was referring to, and then realized the unnamed sorrow. A bit of magic, there. Maybe give it a bit more clarification, but I like the idea of perceiving someone's sorrow in an abstract but universal way. What felt important was the given empathy.
Thank you!
L
Ray Whitaker
Mon, 2021-01-11 12:55
Thank you
to answer you Q about "did this really happen" Yes. the fella I found on the rail was as described.
I never got anything out of him about his "it"... and he did seem to appreciate my not asking. we talked about occupation for both of us. however he didn't actually say what he did for a living. Just looked, and had a countenance, like someone in an embassy to me.
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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