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A Difficult Subject

I will come back to see the book you bought
We shall read the page you talked so much about
If you still have some doubts on the main theme
We may have to call in the one who knows
Judge not from the piece I gave you to read
I can see that I am no where near good
I start to count my words with hand and pen
This stalls the flow of lines from head to hand
The muse waits in the room with a stern face
To go or to come back, she seems to ask
My fears rose high if she will come at dawn
When the night toil and pains have gone by
I hope my faith in you will pay off well
And raise us to be world-class poets on site

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

I can here this as a kind of rap thing, the rhythm being hidden from me as in regular poetry; but it has something unusual that is catching, a new style what?

If you developed it a little more it might do something miraculous. The words are pedestrian, but that suits rap doesn't it? Esker would know more abut that than I do, being an old fogey, I don't really know what I'm talking about with the word rap, but I do know how it sounds.

It has something, not sure what yet.

Keep dancing - Ann of Norway.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

fresh insight, I wrote for more meters workshop without bothering about the content. I also see the point on 'rap' and this has given me some ideas, thank you and best wishes

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

this one reads a whole lot more metrically.
You see my point about not worrying about content while learning meter? Gives the muse a rest until you can hear those rhythms in your head while you write.

I'm going to parse it, but don't worry too much about metrical irregularities, you have already leapt way ahead from your first attempt.

I will/ come back/ to see/ the book/ you bought [yes!]
We shall read/ the page/you talk/ed so much/ about [yes!]
If you/ still have/ some doubts/ on the/ main theme [yes!]
We may have/ to call in/ the one/ who knows [yes!]
Judge not/ from the piece/ I gave/ you to read [yes!]
I can/ see that/ I am/ no where/ near good [yes!]
I start/ to count/ my words/ with hand/ and pen [yes!]
This stalls/ the flow/ of lines/ from head/ to hand [yes!]
The muse/ waits in/ the room/ with a/ stern fac e[yes!]
To go/ or to/ come back/, she seems/ to ask [yes!]
My fears/ rose high/ if she/ will come/ at dawn [yes!]
When/ the night/ toil and pains/ have gone by [yes! but for stressed first syllable]]
I hope/ my faith/ in you/ will pay/ off well[yes!]
And raise/ us to/ be world/-class po/ets on site [yes!]

The lines that are pure iambic or iambic with anapest I haves put [yes!] at the end, you will see this is much, much better.

Remember also I have no idea of your local accent/dialect, perhaps both pieces were perfect meter as read aloud by you!

Anyway I hope this is helping and becoming less painful!

 

 

 

cheers,
Jess
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