Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Different Strokes - [Raj & Judyanne]

Sharing below 2 versions of the same poem, first one by me, followed by the polished version by Judyanne who within minutes converted it into a sonnet.

A Shepherd's Surmise - [Raj]

Down the slopes of a grassy terrain
steeped in sunshine after the rain
herding his cattle with his bruised hook
shepherding them along a babbling brook

the winter had made way to a promising spring
his cows had mated, awaiting new offspring
heading home he thought of his tiny tots
feeding on milk after a longish drought

should he feed the cattle or slaughter them in spring
his mind wrought with money they surely would bring
then he saw his kids no money could ever buy
calves would starve to death, if cows were to die

with laden feet he led his cattle to their barn
bitching his greed, wishing them no harm

Polished conversion into a Sonnet [Judyanne]

way down the verdant slopes of grassed terrain
there steeped in sunshine after rain is done
he herds his cattle with his hook and cane
and shepherds them along a babbling run

to hopeful spring the winter's made its way
his cows have mated, now await new birth
he thinks of children at the end of day
who feed on milk now since a longish dearth

so should he feed or slaughter them in spring?
his mind is filled with thoughts of things to buy
then realized kids the most important thing
and calves would starve to death if cows did die

with laden feet he leads them to their barn
he bitches at his greed, desires no harm

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Editing stage: 

Comments

the realism of this one. The decisions of the farmer will affect the future of his family and farm.
The rhymes were very good and I got the idea very easily. ~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a thoughtful comment. Good to know you liked this poem.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

love the imagery and the aspect of life in a farm.

Alid

that you have set this out in sonnet form, 14 verses, with three quatrains and a couplet and a volta...

Is it supposed to be one Raj?
Shall I crit the rhyme, verse lengths and iambic?

I love the write, and actually hope that this is a sonnet you are working on...
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Which one? It DOES rhyme and yes, it has the form but I thought the rhyming pattern is not of sonnet.

Alid

Raj has written in the sonnet form of 14 lines and a great volta
thus my query as to if he wanted the rhyme and meter critiqued
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I knew you might ask this. It is in fact not meant to be sonnet though I would have loved it to be, but keep finding it difficult to get the iambs, pentameter, number of lines and volta beyond my comfort zone, at least at this point of time.

Good to know that you loved this one...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

report for duty at the Wading Pool Workshop on Meter. All questions will be answered and understanding is guaranteed. This is not a request.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Loved this one in it's simplicity, a Father, a decision, and a solution.
A good shepherd,
Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

It is actually Raj's poem, not mine. lol.

Alid

Ian is having a senior moment lol.
Take care,
Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Thank you for your appreciative comment. Means a lot to me. Never mind the Senior Moments, I can appreciate that too.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Thank you all for your time and appreciative comment about the theme. Actually, I had begun on this one a few months ago and had saved the half done draft under "un-published". However, somehow it disappeared from there and in spite of Andrew's best efforts he could not restore it. A few days back i was reminded of the theme when I peek a booed into the pastoral stream and noted that it has something to do with village surroundings, so worked on it afresh.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

'cos I only quickly did it
but you were so close, and as you were obviously not intending to work with it, I thought I might just show you quickly the very few changes you might need for a sonnet

not perfect of course, as , as I said, I've only spent 5 minutes here, but hopefully you may see how close you are with this one...

I hope you don't mind me revamping your poem Raj

way down the verdant slopes of grassed terrain
there steeped in sunshine after rain is done
he herds his cattle with his hook and cane
and shepherds them along a babbling run

to hopeful spring the winter's made its way
his cows have mated, now await new birth
he thinks of children at the end of day
who feed on milk now since a longish dearth

so should he feed or slaughter them in spring?
his mind is filled with thoughts of things to buy
then realised kids the most important thing
and calves would starve to death if cows did die

with laden feet he leads them to their barn
he bitches at his greed, desires no harm

sorry Raj, sometimes, when I see a really good poem, I can't help myself
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I am in sheer awe of your skill in transforming a non sonnet poem into an Elizabethan sonnet and that too you have done it in double quick time of five minutes or less which is pretty fascinating.

I do confess that while i went on writing this one the words seemed to come so fast and i realized sub consciously that many of them are iambic...it made me think that this could be because of the hours and hours I have spent over the last month in understanding iambic (though yet to be hands on with it). However, writing this one was also because I craved to get out of that obsession zone for the time being.

Of course i had found the four quatrain followed by a couplet as a volta structure pretty appealing so had thought of using it here, especially to have that volta effect which fits the theme..

I have no words to express thanks to you for finding this poem worthy of turning it into a sonnet which you have done so effortlessly. So, I have a plan and would need your consent for the following:-

I will post both my version and following that your conversion into sonnet. Together this would become an example how the same poem can be converted into a sonnet. What do you think of this idea? In fact this would be an example of how to convert a counterfeit currency into original from the mint:)

Warm regards xxx,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I am just glad you weren't offended
you can do whatever you like with the poem

I love your simile of poetry and money - lol the two don't go together, I think

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Do let me know if you would like to work on your conversion or is it ready to post. As soon as i get your signal I shall post both version....which i would say are like half baked cake and an oven fresh with all the icing...:)

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

after re- reading, i don't see anything atm that i feel I want to change
it's all yours to do with as you wish
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

thanks for the confirmation. I will now post yours too with mine

our Indian team is playing their world cup cricket match right now in your part of Australia. Not sure if you are a cricket enthusiast.

Refards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

and
at times take life
it was then
a good pass time
we have many more
so free verse only is my hearts poetic cure
sonnets i only fancy
no less no more
you have the patience
raj _sublime
to endure

for your time and comment

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

o u raj ur the
sublime_ocean

I really like this one. You're not bad at all when stretching out of your zone.
I loved the detailed images there.
You've crafted this absolutely well.
Thank you for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thank you for your appreciative words and your constant encouragement. I recently learnt from your profile that you are also a teacher by profession and I can safely guess that you must be very good at it...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

see her striking strokes
stalwarts Less
Stan and Ian
have already commented
raj subline _ocean
tis ur time

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.