Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Different Situations

Mistakes, Mindless behavior,

tryed to see her different but my mind won't change her,

she opened up a part deep in depth , tears, and anger,

couldn't take apology's so that did me a favor.

Worked real hard and tried to be a good kid,

time slipped past me now im regreting simple shit,

zoning off the topic here I go wit this again,

supressing on a memory on a time way back when.

My bad to you, her, and him and,

it's hard to let it out when your emotions won't listen,

I tried to pay attention but,

the images I saw didn't match what I was hearing.

Get control of your composure,

skiped to different subjects cause I slipped up and told her,

mind starts burning and heart get's colder,

she placed her hand on my head and put it on her shoulder.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 

Comments

You marked on this poem that you want the raw truth, so I'll throw some out. I don't generally begin with truly critical commentary until I know the poet a little better.
I don't want to scare you off.
If you're looking to improve your poetry, you've come to the right place.
The subject in your poem was not exactly clear. You used something of a "stream of consciousness" format and it occasionally gets lost in the language. Not everyone agrees with this, but I feel that clarity is critical to poetry, for above all the poet must be understood to succeed.
There are a number of typographical errors in the poem, although some of them may be intentional use of a dialect. I'm not sure.
I have a number of other things I could suggest, but I think I'll wait until you respond to this before just tearing your poem to hell.
I agree with your assessment of your own poetry that it truly "comes from the heart". Many lines are very emotional, but the lack of order and organization in the poem makes it difficult to grasp.
You have probably already been introduced to this, but keep in mind that NeoPoet is a critique oriented web site. The poets here have come and remain because of the opportunity to get real feedback on their poems. Sometimes it may sound a bit harsh, but no one here is mean.
Let us know what you're looking for in your poetry.
And again, welcome.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I totally respect your opinion and the opinion of others cause I am here to improve my writing, I agree that you could get lost reading it because I was lost writing it. My mind was all over the place so it reflected in my writing. I didnt start of with a title so I labled it Different Situation. Feel free to express your opinion on whatever you feel because one again I am here to learn

author comment

It often doesn't translate to the page without the music to support it. This does really well.

This feels to me like 'impressionist' poetry, it uses more words and not necessarily as compactly as most poetry, but the overall impression is vivid. A good write, I look forward to more.

The use of dialect is fine but there is some plain wrong spelling here, or typos, it would be really worthwhile fixing it up, try running it through a spell checker.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it, and I will definitely take your advice

author comment

Raw truth: correct the spelling, and add some punctuation.

OK, now that's out of the way...
...this is good poetry, rap, hiphop or otherwise. It is complex while appearing simple, and reading it makes me think of all the times I revealed too much of myself too soon to the girl or woman of the moment, and thus fucked up the relationship.
And I absolutely love her response, her acceptance of what has been revealed.
Damn good. Keep writing, and post some more.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I know the spelling is a little screwed. I got so used to texting that I use it even on the keyboard, but thanks for the feedback

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.