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Did I Not Try Hard Enough?

When it rains, it pours,
Here in the land of honey streets.

In the begining, ours was a house of chocolate walls.
The tap sprang sweet wine to go with our dinner
Of delicate delight.
We were young then,
and you know what they say,
When it rains, it pours.

Diluted honey was still sweet enough.
Our afternoons were spent chewing on dinousour bones,
We found the stories better one-hundred miles from home.
In the car we sang together,
The windows were cracked, the wind played rythem guitar.
When it rains, it pours.

Soon, the ratios were splitting hairs,
We still loved, though it hurt to care.
Catatonic vegitative couch replacements warmed our seats,
While our souls seemed to slip away.
Tears stained filthy floors,
The mirror reflects a stranger anymore.
When it rains,it pours.

What were we all along,
the honey is long gone, drowned by a flood
Chocolate walls, they melt in the sun,
An almond door only remains,
But can you tell me,
Where does it lead.
But you know what they say,
When it rains, it pours.
Did I not try hard enough?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
the spelling sucks. dont be afraid to get brutally honest
Editing stage: 


There are problems, but nothing that can't be revised with ease (rhythm). As for the poem, this is the first I have read by you and since you asked for brutal... I have that.

The "poem" tore me up a little. A+ on content. The subject depicted something I am feeling as I grow up (I'm 53 now) and feel my life slipping from me. I would tell you about a time when I was seven when we were driving over the bridge between the two Kansas City's (the last time I felt truly whole), but it would take too long. However, that's what you brought out of me and THAT is poetry.

Now, I put the first "poem" in asterisks to highlight my complaint. Poetry is music. If there is no flow and grace to the language, it is prose. Elegant prose perhaps, but not poetry. This skirts dangerously close.

You note it is rough draft. You have the beauty and the emotional content- don't mess with it, but go back and put a little music in it. It doesn't ask for much. A little evening up of lines, a little consistency in meter.

Regardless, you had me by the third stanza.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program

I can't add anything to the gracious way wesley has commented, only that i like this rough draft very much. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

The four ages of man is your poem, I hope not your state is not reflected in its decay of feelings..
A grand write that portrays the things oft times seen and experienced by many.
A build up then a gradual decline into a watered down bag of memories,
this is where the person should be able to find new toys to throw out of the pram, new fields to see with older eyes, and things to feel, some maybe from memories, but bolster them with the knowledge that
they made you what you are today.
If you look in the mirror and cant see the real you change your mirror, Yours Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

as all have said before me, this poem paints beautiful pictures.
it could be polished, yes, but it was a delight to read nevertheless.
for me, the process of writing is never complete. I tend to go back to poems, almost forgotten, look over them again and change them here or there because the writing changes as we grow, our taste, our style. sometimes its just a line which can be taken out and placed elsewhere, completely changing the feel and flow of a poem. that is what I would begin with, if I may make the suggestion. sometimes moving the lines around a bit works wonders. :)
as Wesley said, don't change the content or the emotions of the poem, they are perfect in and of themselves.
great read!
your Proprietress

Thanks for the kind words, all of you! It is rough and pretty well without flow, so perhaps it would make a better prose. I'm new to this whole experience and feel a little humbled by all of these kind words. Thank you so much.

author comment

It is a marvelous work and deserves more attention. Proprietress said what I've always held- that what we write SHOULD be brought up to a present level of capability. ETERNAL REVISION.
Ian is spot on about it being a wonderful example of that old chestnut the four stages of man.
We all want to see revisions here. Please. Don't let it be prose. It's too glorious for that.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program

I hope to revise it eventually, but I can't seem to get a foot down on how I would like it to flow. Sometimes my thoughts seem so randomly thrown about. Tips or suggestions?

author comment

that is bothering you then you could try several different methods of organizing them. just copy your poem a few times and try to sort out the lines differently each time. as soon as you feel you've organized your thoughts within the poem, try finding the lines that just don't seem to sound quite right and think of other ways to say what you want to say with that particular line. the flow of the whole will improve with the quality of expression in the smaller sections. at least that's how I would go about improving one of mine :)
and have fun doing it! I always enjoy improving a poem, I find it much easier than writing a first draft, the empty page is the hardest part for me personally...
your Proprietress

the first thing I saw in your revision was the honey streets, love that! now the beginning leads the reader into the poem, you don't have the abruptness of the harsh 't'.
a thing I love doing is to put emphasis on recurring lines by either seperating them from the rest of the poem (by having space before and after each time they come up) thus also giving the poem more visula structure. or emphasising them by using italics for that special line. just thought I'd throw that out there :) I would love to see how that changes the poem. but just ignore this if you don't like the suggestion, it's just my personal taste :) and some may not like this extra emphasis on already accentuated lines.
your Proprietress

It was actually originally supposed to be streets. haha i just had a typo. Thank you for the suggestions, though, I will definetly play with it!

author comment
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