Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

dialysis what !

Submitted by loved on Fri, 2012-09-21 12:44

he
is still on dialysis
but kith and kin don't know
when to let him go
hope God
helps them ...

the finale none know
not you... nor I...
no doc too
heaven is too busy...
we always knew
and
if there is a God
of which I have reservations....
I’m quite sure he has 7.5 billion
in the ICU
we call the world...
and
I only wish that ailing humanity
Came with life to terms
all we need is
a switch off
switch
but then who will?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Fri, 2012-09-21 13:21

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

great write loved
very clever, and sad
'he is still on dialysis
but kith and kin don't know
when to let him go
hope God helps them so' (but i'd drop the 'so')

i really like
'if there is a God
of which i have reservations....
I’m quite sure he has 7.5 billion
in the ICU
we call the world...' - lol

and i love the finish
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

loved

Fri, 2012-09-21 13:54

loved's picture

thanks Judy
ur kind a lady
tc of all ur kids in hospy
they all will remember you
as I will toooooooooooooooooo

loved

author comment

judyanne

Fri, 2012-09-21 14:02

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

thankyou for the acknowledgement in the first stanza, but to make this more succinct (imo) i'd drop that first stanza altogether now too, as it's not really needed for the theme...

xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

loved

Fri, 2012-09-21 14:04

loved's picture

is my command
but to obey
shall now

loved

author comment

judyanne

Fri, 2012-09-21 15:28

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

why change 'he' to 'the guy'?
i think 'he' is so much better, more poetic
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

loved

Sat, 2012-09-22 01:26

loved's picture

corrected thanks for the interest taken
regards Judy

loved

author comment

loved

Sat, 2012-09-22 23:40

loved's picture

"if there is a God
of which i have reservations....
I’m quite sure he has 7.5 billion
in the ICU
we call the world"

even now I realise these words are touching,
more to the credit of an
UNKNOWN DEITY,if any.

loved

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.