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Detached Union

Your volcanic breath scorches me,
Blows away my peace with its strength,
Your look, a river of fire,
Burning away my resolve…

And I am the white crow
Tethered to your monolith,
Spiraling high in isolation
On angry, fiery winds.

Your patience rumbles,
ruptures,
erupting in flame,
maiming me;
Wings scorched, turning black
Covered with the soot
Of misunderstanding.

The unsteady ground trembles,
This pillar falls and crumbles,
Dragging me down
Into my chosen hell.

Now, I am just
an offering
of ashes,
My voice echoing one question…

Did you intend to raze me?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Please, please, please - I need some serious feed back on this poem. Feel free to shred it. Thanks.
Editing stage: 

Comments

And it was worth the wait. Strong imagery, great language use, powerful emotion.

I am, for once, unsure about my criticism of this. My normal bedrock of arrogance has developed some fractures. It concerns the variety of imagery. Not mixed metaphors but we have an opening set in bed, followed by volcanic breathe, fire and ashes, then an architectural/structural theme and finally anthropomorphism of a bird. Is it all a bit too much? To me it is. I would really like to hear other's feelings about it.

As you can hear, it reads well, good cadence and flow, effective freeform.

https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/detached-union-submitted-by

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

That's the problem I've been having with it. I feel like it's all over the place to some degree. This poem has driven me nuts. It's already had a major face lift, but it hasn't reached the point where I feel ok with it. I actually had pulled off all of my poems from the site because I'm starting to work on my 2nd manuscript. This one is visiting again because I'm needing some help.

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

author comment

No i don't think it's to much, surely these are used as descriptve visualizations. And so help the reader better understand the poets feelings as they wrote the poem. We all take from a poem what we choose, but surely the poets guides us there to a certain extent. As did this poem which i thoroughly enjoyed. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

While I have struggled with the fact that I have, as Jess said, included a large variety of imagery in this poem - I haven't been able to find a way to get it to feel as cohesive as I want it to. Each stanza conveys each feeling of the conflict - I guess that's just how complex the situation itself was. Thanks for reading and leaving the review, Roscoe!

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

author comment

You probably think that this write is like a helter skelter but it worked and lovely to see you back,
And the reference to Sparrow was beyond your shores lol.
Great write hope to see more soon, Yours as always Ian (Yenti) xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Perhaps a lot of the problem jess speaks of could be solved by putting the second stanza into the past tense...

A very powerful write - full of emotional descriptive. I enjoyed this
I especially like the final stanza
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

your imagery may be less helter skelter-y if instead of a sparrow you used a pheonix for the last bit. you know, stick with the theme of fire. then you open up the door for describing how your pain flourishes again, but i may be getting ahead of myself.

the only reason i'm even giving any crit is because you begged :P this one speaks to me on another level. in other words, i feel you bro.

Mag

Nothing wrong with Sparrows they can rise from the ashes, like any other ass burnt bird, you can't get rid of me that easy,
Yours J Sparrow.

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

A Phoenix carries too much positive symbolism. It usually represents rebirth. The sparrow on the other hand has multiple meanings - one being love, the other death. The Egyptians used the sparrow to mean small, narrow, or bad. In my use of it, it is symbolising the love aspect, along with the negative aspects of a stunted relationship as well. Plus, it is a small bird and fits the idea of a whisper better. A Phoenix would be a shout. :-) Hmm, maybe I'll use a harpy instead! hahaha lol

Thanks for the feedback - you've got the gears turning and that's what I was needing.

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

author comment

i hope you don't mind, but you've inspired me to write. check it out if you want, just thought i should let you know.

Mag

Women fall out of love more easily than men.
Please don't let it happen, you are both wonderful people.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Where's your scientific evidence to back up that statement on women falling out of love more easily than men? ;-)

Emogothgirl, had given me the idea to switch birds, which pulled everything together very nicely.

The myth of how the crow became black worked out really well with this one, and the fact that the crow is a symbol of fidelity should ease your concerns a bit.

The whole point of the poem is, I'm not the same person that I was before the relationship. (That and the original was written almost 7 years ago.)

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

author comment

this is pure wisdom of the weirdelf, which counts for a lot more.. Woman fall out of love more easily than men. Give the poor sucker another chance. I really like him and I know he loves you. Again, no citations or references, pure wisdom of the weirdelf.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

First off, he's the one pissed at me. And what's your definition of love because I'm sure he's violated it several times. I've stayed with him through more bad instances than good sense would dictate. I'm not going anywhere. The kids need their father, and at this point, our relationship is an investment. It would be stupid to start this endeavor and not finish it. Plus, it's like an article that I recently read, people with small children should never divorce. The stress of that time period makes people crazy and once it passes, life will be better.

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

author comment

weirdelf wisdom is far from infallible. I wish you both the best.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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