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Desertion (title change)

when things got tough
you ran away,
didn't take the chance
to get in the fray

how long has it been
since you faced a fight
you choose to hide
under the cover of night

I thought we were close
I thought we were tight
but I find out now
that things aren't right

I thought you were
a fearless fellow
in the rear-view mirror I spy
a tail streaked with yellow

about your craven act
what am I to think
a coward in your cups
drowning in your drink!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
could this be considered a "Narrative Poem"? thanks, Cat
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I do not know to whom you write but it is harsh, I see the hurt in your words. BTW take a look at my poem the Ruvy Necklace is it more your your liking

Chrys

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right now I am hurting so bad physically that I must go to bed. I promise that I will look at your poem mentioned tomorrow. thanks for reading my poem. and you are right, I was terribly hurt. writing about it was cathartic. I feel better now.

*hugs, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

commented on this but find I didn't. The emotion comes through, loud and strong! My only suggestion is the use of [fray] instead of [foray]. The word fray means about the same, except that it is a syllable shorter. I think the use of fray and the shorter syllable count makes it a bit smoother. ~ ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

I like your suggestion and I will utilize it ! Just call me by my native american name: "Shouts With A Fist!" lol

*hugs, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

with a fist huh? Is that the one with the middle finger raised? LoL Well, you sure didn't pull any punches! [Pun intended].
~ Gee.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

Sir Gee,

you know me well! thanks for reading and responding. did you happen to read the blog I posted yesterday?

*hugs, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

I did! ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

So angry, and if it was cathartic, it must’ve been something like an orgasam. Wow!

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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for reading my poem and responding so well. your response tells me that this poem hit you hard and I appreciate you sharing this with me!

*hugs, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

I have lain sick and weak for many months
and know I should have returned so much sooner
than I have
For I find the Candlewitch returned
with the light she always finds
from words of pain
light that lifts my tired pagan soul.

Your title could be better - but I know better than most how hard it is to find a good one!
Your language use cannot be faulted, imho.
Neither can the cadence!
The theme is painful, but very personal and revealing, with just the right amount of anger and contempt, I think.
Beginning and ending are good, not choppy or fractured, tied together by the tight words and phrases between.

Good to read your work again, Cat.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I am so very glad to see you again! please stay...don't go away again. if I were a dog, my tail would be wagging furiously!!! I see that we have both had our trials in the passing year. I had replacement of both knees. soon after that I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and psoriatic arthritis. rather miserable stuff but nothing like what you have been through. my condition only gets worse as I age. but I am grateful for the moments of little pain.

thank you for such a thorough and friendly critique of my poem. I agree that it could use a better title. If you think of one, please let me know?

your friend, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment
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