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Deposition (eddy styx)

Submitted by Candlewitch on Sun, 2012-05-20 13:55

Deposition

flesh hangs
in obscene globs
from bloody talons
a bird of prey
stripping away
humanity
producing pulp
brutal force
of beak and claw
rip and rend
all that was
mild and tender
dashed upon
jagged rocks
on cliffs of
times destruction

but you can't
break my spirit
or my mind
bound in lion's pride
my heart was forged
in temptations fires
so do your worst
you bumbling cad
and I'll make
a hearty meal
of your cracking bones

your deceits are flimsy
and thin as wings of flies
you will be seen
for what you truly are
as I pass this night
of deepest sorrow
but comes the truth
of dawns sweet kiss
birthing in the marrow

gently will they take me down
from this cross I've hung
and nail you up
to take my place
while cutting out your tongue

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

mantiscepter

Mon, 2012-05-21 00:57

A GROUP OF VERY STRONG STATEMENTS, GROOMING A COLOGE
OF VISUAL DISTINCTIONS THAT DRAWS YOU CLOSER TO THE STORY-LINE.
WELL WRITTEN, HAD A NICE FLOW. I ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH. JOHN

Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-05-21 11:18

Candlewitch's picture
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Thank you for the read :) eddy styx is my murderous male alter ego. I'm glad you enjoyed the read!

always, eddy (& cat)

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judyanne

Mon, 2012-05-21 01:43

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‘flesh hangs
in obscene globs’
- what a great visual

I love the alliteration in
‘producing pulp’
and
‘rip and render’
although with this one do you think ‘rip and rend’ is more what you mean? and it doesn’t really affect the rhyme scheme and I actually like the meter better - it makes one drawl the word, slowing down the read just a tad at that spot

absolutely love the descriptive here
‘dashed upon
jagged rocks
on cliffs of
times destruction’ (I think you mean time’s – with the ownership apostrophe?)

ditto with loving the word-usage and also with the need for an apostrophe in
‘my heart was forged
in temptations fires’ (temptation's)

lol – maybe you should get cat to proof read your writes – she is much betterer with her grammar :)

imagery in the use of flies wings when the analogy is usually butterfly wings had a powerful impact on this reader at least

‘birthing in the marrow’ – am I right in presuming you really meant ‘marrow’ ? love it

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Candlewitch

Thu, 2012-05-24 10:47

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Hello lovely lady! thank you for reading and commenting. I have utilized your excellent suggestion!

always, eddy (& cat)

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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

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