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Deific wisdom

I yearn for that deific wisdom
that would bring me total freedom.
Freedom from obscurity
into a life of utmost clarity.

A hallowed wisdom to veer me from a doomed path.
Guide me through,to the threshold of truth.
Adorn me with a worthy dexterity,
to attain my desired superiority.

If sageness has no stipulated age,
then now i want to be a sage.
Divine wisdom is supreme .
I want to fetch from its stream.

Life on earth is an illusion,
Without wisdom one wallows in delusion,
life becomes completely a torture,
with the heart fractured beyond suture.

The one who is armed with discernment,
never judges with impairment.
Sees always in others the best,
whilst other people see the worst.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I admire a use of verse which both implores and explores the richness and forbidden nature of the human subconscious. I like to imply a vent for a universal mind, and I see in lots of poetry both the words and rhythmical mantra of life, sex and death,, for me, broken senses predicate a sea of songs which sing for a shattered and angry use of heart break and sensual human ideals. although I write endless poetry, I am self assured that some of the verses I curate are faulty.,. good wishes

Mario Vitale

Thank you so much Chevyvent ,for your comment i really appreciate your stopping by.

author comment

.......into a life of utmost

.......................................clarity...................

how can we !

perceive
wonders lovedly

...is in the lost and found
where you can worry on nothing
and all turns out sound....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcHKOC64KnE

enjoyed. thank you.

g

Thank you Gunar Hedlund.

author comment

Thank you Gunar Hedlund.

author comment

Structurally, the use of the strict rhyming scheme AABB,sets up an expectation for other consistencies of form. I think that this piece needs stronger metric structure. It is largely in iambic tetrameter (4 feet per line) already.

Mate, I'm to ask you do a very boring  and irksome thing but I'll never do it again, except perhaps in a workshop about meter. Try parsing this piece, as I did with another of your works. Use a / to separate feet and put stressed syllables in CAPS or bold. I use bold because it it is quicker and easier, just select the syllable and hit Ctrl B. eg-

I yearn/ for that/ deif/ic wis/dom

Have a go or say no. If you do it I know it will help you come to grasp with meter. Whe you get to revising remember meter is seldom perfect. When mixing different forms remember Iambic is ok with Anapestic and Trochaic is ok with Dactylic. Can you see why?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thank you so much Jess, I really a appreciate the crituque it was really helpful.I will do the assignment but I doubt if I can do it with my phone ,my laptop has a fault i need to fix it.I agree totally it will help to grasp with meter.Thanks once again Jess.

author comment

Hope you get a new laptop or desktop soon,
cheers.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Yes Jess, thanks so much.

author comment

I YEARN for THAT deIFIC WISdom,
THAT WOULD BRING me TOTAL FREEdom.
FREEdom FROM ALL obSCURIty,
INto a LIFE OF utMOST CLARIty.

a HALlowed WISdom to VEer me FROM a DOOMED PATH,
GUIDE me THROUGH, to THE threshOLD of TRUTH.
ADORN me WITH a worTHY DExteRIty
to Attain my DEsired SUpeRIoRITY

if SAGEness HAS no STIpuLATED AGE,
THEN NOW I WANT to BE a SAGE.
DIvine WISdom IS SUpreme
I WANT to FETCH FROM IT'S stream.

LIFE ON EARTH IS AN ILlusion,
WITHOUT WISdom ONE WALlows IN DElusion,
LIFE BEcomes COMPLEteLY a TORTure,
WITH THE HEART FRACTured BEyond SUTure.

THE ONE WHO IS ARMED WITH DisCERNment,
NEver JUDges WITH imPAIRment,
SEES alWAYS in Others THE BEST,
WHILST Other PEople SEE THE WORST.

author comment

My apologies, I assumed you knew more than you do. Do some quick research though Google,
The Wiki article is good
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metre_(poetry)
and there are workshops in Neopoet's own Workshop Archives.
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-workshop
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-our-friend

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

I totally agree with you Jess, I think I need a more understanding and deeper insight on what meter is all about.Thanks Jess.

author comment
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