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Defib Dreams

There’s these wires
Stuck into my heart
Connected to a little box
Tucked into my flesh
Beneath my skin.

It monitors me
Constantly
And occasionally
Fires off a searing jolt
Of electricity
Each time that it decides
What pumps my blood
Isn’t playing fair,

Making sure I do not die
When my heart decides
To leave The rest of me behind,
And that’s okay;
It isn't like I have a choice
If I want to stay Alive.

Yet fear of it
robs me of my memories,
My family,
Stealing all that makes
My life the joy it is,
leaving only weakness, fear,
And memory of rigid burn.

Sometimes I wake up
In cold and panicked sweat,
For in my dreams I die,
I die
And always,
always,
bright blue arc
Of shuddering spark
Follows me in vivid
Plunge to death.

Yet when I wake
There is no weakness
Of defibrillation,
Only memory of dreaming hurt,
My heart still thumping
Slow and strong,
For the box ignites me
Only in my dreams.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

A good theme that applies to quite a few people,
In places the structure of the lines seem to have disconnected from the flow:- eg
When my heart decides
To it wants to leave
The rest of me behind,
This just needs refining and the English smoothed out,
Yours, Sparrow..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

That particular line was changed, but I left the "To" in there by accident.
Fixed.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

it's been a while.
A powerful poem, many of my friends and myself have heart issues.
I'm not sure if this poem would reach people without those particular health concerns.
Really.

cheers,
Jess
New Workshop!-
Critique For New And Old
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/critique-new-and-old

Its good to be back.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Nice to see ya! I liked this a lot; the thought that the spark follows you to death and then brings you back. Is it a dream or is it the aftermath of an episode? Makes one wonder if it is just your mind hoping that the pace-maker is going to do it's job, while you sleep? I have COPD/emphysema and sometimes wake up with the thought that I am drowning, but it is only the need to cough up the crap in my lungs. Not so bad, now that I've finally managed to quit smoking, but... anyways, good write. I liked the transition from dream to reality. Hope your spark burns bright for a long while yet! ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Ya, long time, no see.
This poem is from real events: I dream I'm dying, and dream that the defibrillator goes off as I die, then keeps going off long enough for me to realize that I'm dead. Then, I wake up! The dream is so vivid that for a time I thought the defib really was going off in my sleep, but you know they can download the thing's history now, over the Internet even, and that history shows nothing is going since I let them burn out part of my heart with a laser. So, its all in my head!
Damn, that makes me sound nuts.
Glad you liked this, its the first poem I've written in a long time.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Hi Jim
I can relate to this. I had a pacemaker fit last year, but one problem solved and another created, so am awaiting my appointment to go back for an upgrade. Sadly this doesn't involve waitress service and free bar, but a third wire into my heart.
I too wake up in the night in a blind panic. No blue arc, just the awful realisation of my mortality. Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

Its really not any fun, wearing out, is it?
I often get the nagging feeling that those who provide me with medical care do so only to continue a safe and steady revenue stream! Then I fight back to a place where I think to myself "I'm not going to give up".
I only started having dreams of death and being fried after I got this replacement defib put in, a few months ago. I think its mt mind's way of dealing with mortality, and fear.

Glad you enjoyed this one.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

As I said, more or less to Jim, it needs work to make relevant and meaningful to people other than those with fucked hearts.

cheers,
Jess
New Workshop!-
Critique For New And Old
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/critique-new-and-old

What do you think it needs, to relate more?
Some lines to help identify with the experience, maybe? I was thinking along the lines of maybe people having those they love stolen from their hearts by the device, because when it goes off, you really cant feel anything for anyone, as it consumes you completely.

Think I should give it a shot, or try something else?

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

With potentially profound ramifications in terms of the human/technology interface. How long until we need a definition to differentiate humans from cyborgs?
I was thinking more in terms of intimations of mortality, perhapps not directly heart related.

cheers,
Jess
New Workshop!-
Critique For New And Old
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/critique-new-and-old

Hi Jess - but we are a growing club :-)
But yes I take your point. Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

Like that falling down into death and the blue spark zapping
up back.....I had auras when I had the epleptic attacks
and would know the asmtha as a kid...lay there for an hour
even with the meds like some big adult sitting on my chest
suffocating to death is a horrible thing...passed out being
ill a few times..that feeling for the five seconds when U know
your going...waking up on the floor...crash!! My friend has a
seventy eight per cent blockage..no chance of parole from
that diagnose...too old...too knackered....he has too move
very slow or he passes out...this a man of action...from
the lively madcap too the slow mo pan shots...not even that
old...mid sixties...Then my dad...I remember visiting..his
breathing in little puffs...could barely get no sleep because
his body was working so hard too just keep him going...
major heart issue....but they pulled a vein from his leg
ninety staples there...worked on his heart...he got a lot
more years out of that...without ohip...another country
he would have suffered like that till the end...
my mom had angioplasty...step dad had his heart worked
on...a woman in her late forties has nitroglycerine...
etc etc....pacemakers...like old watches U gotta flick to
get the minute hand going....essentially nothing much
too wrong other then the timing...now they can be adjusted
like U say etc....and a lot of people dont go for treatment
there is a slim margin...just accept what God gives em...
Glad U got the work done

thank U!

Glad you enjoyed this little effort!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I'm not too sure I like the addition.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Well edited, and now it reads great.
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I'm always unsure when I add something.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Now I preferred the first version. This one is a bit too arty and loses that feeling that I immediately identified with.
Each to their own. Jxx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

Its a shame you don't like the 'extended' version. I do; I think it appeals to a wider audience than just those of us who have experienced it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Hi Jim
I didn't say I didn't like it, just preferred version number 1.
It's more important you go with the version you are happiest with, it's your poem. :-)
Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

Good to see you back and posting again. As can be expected from you you have chosen a unique theme which many can relate to..the discussions are also interesting ...

Best regards,,,stay well...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Right back at you, my friend, its been a while.
You know me - I have to write about things I actually know!
I know what you mean about the discussion! Getting my feet held to the fire of criticism is something I always miss, when I find myself unable to come here for a length of time. Hopefully, I'll be around for awhile, now!
Your enjoyment is my own, my friend.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Great to see you...

I really relate to the write, even though my heart is fine (so far)
I have had asthma since a child.... with really no hope of assistance - no drugs for its control back then, and i grew up on a farm in the country - pollen, animals, the lot.

Learned to control my breathing then

These days, especially in pollen filled months, or if I get a winter sinus infection which I do every year, I wake up frequently overnight unable to breathe

It is very frightening.... and once awake in the depth of night I can lend myself to panic attacks

I guess we all reach a stage in life when we acknowledge our immmortality.... best not fear it....

Love judy
xxd

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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