Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Deep afternoon dive

Submitted by IRiz on Mon, 2018-03-26 10:37

Long shadows of afternoon
sway in the wind.
I am drying my days on the rope
the old fashioned way.

Enough hectic tumbling,
I am not in a rush anymore.
I watch the shadows
to grow strong.

I watch the oblique stripes
jalousie leaves on the floor -
Black and White in alignment
of musical notes.

I believe Bach is reborn and lost
in the contemporary.
Nobody cares reminding
him about who he was.

Hard boiled moments are rolling
like hail on the roofs killing moths.
I am drying my days on the rope
perfect for hanging.

But thinking, "Perhaps, not,"
I stand on the pole of hope
and dry my days like black bird
after a long dive
in the deep afternoon.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Mon, 2018-03-26 14:20

Exquisite way of expression with great usage of words IRiz
..................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

IRiz

Mon, 2018-03-26 17:00

IRiz's picture
Volunteer badge

Thank you for reading and commenting, my friend.

IRiz

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2018-03-26 16:19

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

put my finger on it, but the closest I can come to describing the way you have used the words here is being mixed-metaphor. Nothing that I can point out, but that is the general feeling that I got. I caught many different images from this; none of which seem to be repeated the next time I read it. Very interesting. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

IRiz

Mon, 2018-03-26 16:59

IRiz's picture
Volunteer badge

Thank you very much for reading.
Yes there are multiple images that are connected somehow. You know it intuitively.
The meditation outcome from browsing my subconscious mind. The wind, the alongated shadows, birds drying their wings... I hope you liked it. Often I am not brave enough to write something obscure like this poem.

IRiz

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2018-03-31 08:45

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

A very strange mixture of darkness, is
"I am drying my days on the rope
perfect for hanging."
as black as it sounds? To be or not to be?
And a dry hope. I think I've used the phrase 'trudging the path of happy destiny' before in reference to your work. Perhaps it is the notorious Slavic melancholy?

Yes, as you said to me, your more recent works do have more cadence but not meter as I see it. Would you consider writing four quatrains? One each in iambic, trochaic, anapaestic and dactylic. They can be quite meaningless or nonsensical, I would just like to see if you can use the forms. They are possibly the most important tools in our prosodic kit if used correctly.

Just a few pernickety english grammatical things, which if corrected might disturb the cadence anyway, it's up to you.
jalousie leave on the floor - [the jalousie leaves or jalousies]
like hail on the roofs killing moth. [roof? moths?]
and dry my days like black bird [a black bird, the black bird or black birds]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

IRiz

Sat, 2018-03-31 09:14

IRiz's picture
Volunteer badge

Forest floor is now covered,
rustling blankets 
thrown on the roots.
What was gold is now brown.
 Sky is blue.

Where were birds is now 
silence
playing with transparent
water in the brook.

Distant train
calls from the town,
whistling through the woods.

Sun is warm,
last leaves still falling,
clouds stay ajar,
branches trembling, 
in the air 
smell of marmalade.

IRiz November 2017

Hello. WElf! Thank you for reading my poem

I like poems where meter is altered between line, like the one posted above, starts iambic and has finishing line in trochaic rhythm. It makes the poem rhythmic but less monotonous.

But I will write anapaestic and dactylic poems.

IRiz

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2018-03-31 09:27

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

as do trochaic and dactylic

mixing them the other way round can achieve a jarring affect HOWEVER mixing meters is normally only noticed by the poet themselves, otherwise it just reads as meterless. Meter comes on slowly and doesn't achieve its full effect until used in a least four lines consecutively.

Hence my request for quatrains.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Sat, 2018-03-31 10:02

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

Normal
0

false
false
false

EN-US
X-NONE
X-NONE

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0cm;
mso-para-margin-right:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0cm;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}

Parsing is not an exact science and varies with regional accents but this is my attempt at parsing your example above

[Key- I=iamb, A=anapaest, T=trochee, D=dactyl, C=catalexis

Forest/ floor is/ now /covered, [TTCA]
rustling/ blankets [TT]
thrown on/ the roots. [TI]
What was/ gold is/ now brown. [TTI]
 Sky is /blue. [TC]

Where were/ birds is /now [TTC]
silence [T]
playing/ with trans/parent [TTT]
water/ in the/ brook. [TTC]

Distant/ train [TC]
calls from/ the town, [TI]
whistling/ through the/ woods. [TTC]

Sun is/ warm, [TC]
last leaves/ still fall/ing, [IIC]
clouds stay/ ajar, [TIC]
branches/ trembling, [TT]
in the/ air [TC]
smell of/ marmalade. [TD]

So even though the poem is mostly Trochaic the effect is meterless.

Note that the number of feet per line is critical in establishing meter.

 

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Sat, 2018-03-31 10:04

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

Can't seem to get rid of that rubbish code.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

IRiz

Sat, 2018-03-31 10:38

IRiz's picture
Volunteer badge

Overpowering memories kill,
Paralize like a poisoning squill.
However, mistakes can be taken
As invaluable lessons, be brave.

Here is my imperfect attempt for anapestic meter.

IRiz

author comment

IRiz

Sat, 2018-03-31 18:48

IRiz's picture
Volunteer badge

thank you for reading, Mark

IRiz

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.