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Into The Deep

Drown me in the river, watch me as I sink. Tied together by a dark malevolent spiritual being, descending Into the depths.  
The farther I float, the more my mind clouds. Memories flood, they pull me close. The surface of this water, I cannot break through.  
It's crowded by the roots of the hollowing tree that looms overhead devouring any light shed by the sun. I touch the bordering line, my skin becomes numb, the lack of the of the touch of the ones that I love. It keeps me secluded and wretches the promise that I'll overcome.
All I feel, the water grows cold.
The pressure breaks my fingers into my hand, in through my arm and down through my spine. My body is aching, surely losing time.  
My heartbeats and breaths are slowing and straining. The cavity of my chest now filing with blood, leaking out of my mouth and trailing behind my corpse.  
Death is my carriage but I am it's horse
Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I’m just a young 18 year old poet going around seeing what people think of my stuff
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Welcome to Neopoet. You are in the right place if you want to grow in stature as poet. You will be able to learn from the comments made by fellow members as too by participating in monthly contests and workshops. Also read poems by other members ...

your poem though in free verse, can be structured into stanzas rather than in prose format. the theme is good...Think about this suggestion and if you agree tweak it up.

Best wishes, keep writing ..

be well...

raj (sublime_ocean)

thank you so much, although I don’t believe i'll have interest in changing the format of my piece. This is just how I do my thing, no hard feelings tho because I realize it’s not proper poetic grammar but that’s kinda why I do it that way. i do appreciate the feedback tho!!!

author comment

Well...it was only a suggestion...do as you like..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hi Young Poet, I like the content and your prose very much. But I agree that it would be far better to compose it as FV or some form or other. You have all the dark imagery and powerful verses, so I wonder why you wish to set it as a paragraph.
As raj says, you're free to do as you wish. There are some excellent commenters here, you can learn a lot, as I'm doing.
Welcome to Neopoet, best, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Grammar is the structure of the sentences and phraseology, and has nothing to do with format. If you insist on making your work hard to read by using paragraphs, you will lose many readers that would normally read and comment on your work. Since you have no interest in changing anything that you write; [just want to see what other people think of your work], you will get less and less feedback and your time here will be wasted. We do have others here that write as you do and look at their comments and feedback. ~ Geezer.
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