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A Decent Meal (Tanka)

Submitted by alidzain on Wed, 2014-05-07 13:11

A bowl of porridge
with a glass of home-brewed tea
sate my appetite

A meal served with sincere love
is my wholesome nourishment

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

IKnowNoBox

Wed, 2014-05-07 13:21

It makes a case for the simple things in life. Who needs a big diner, or formal breakfast anyway? All the answers to your critique questions is Exceptional.

Thanks for sharing,
David

raj

Wed, 2014-05-07 14:41

A good Tanka. The syllable count is right and the two liner is in context of the Senryu, I therefore do not see anything to be changed too much except a suggestion to change L3 of the Senryu with

sate my appetite

and L2 of the 2 liner to

is my wholesome nourishment or

like an icing on the cake

of course even without the suggested changes it looks fine as it is.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Wed, 2014-05-07 14:56

alidzain's picture

Thanks for the feedback. Done the edit.

Alid

author comment

raj

Wed, 2014-05-07 15:00

Good to know you found the suggestions appealing...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2014-05-07 14:46

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Beautiful perfectly executed

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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alidzain

Wed, 2014-05-07 14:59

alidzain's picture

for the visit and the comment. Just asking.Are you going to have another Renga workshop for those who are keen on the subject and those who have missed out on the previous workshop?

Alid

author comment

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2014-05-07 15:12

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Yes Im working on it.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Ian.T

Thu, 2014-05-08 04:33

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My English is not top line but your reference to Brewn Tea,
seems wrong, the use of the word Brewn I can't find a reference to that word as referring to tea, I have taken the liberty of editing the piece to comply with a strange English now used in England lol.
I will let it go that some drink their tea from glasses lol very un English.
It just amused me a little this morning sitting here with my mug of tea..
Go well young man,
Yours Ian.T

A bowl of porridge
a mug of fresh home-brewed tea
sate my appetite

A meal served with sincere love
is my wholesome nourishment

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

alidzain

Thu, 2014-05-08 11:57

alidzain's picture

Done the edit. Thanks for correcting my mistakes.

Alid

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2014-05-08 12:08

Ian.T's picture
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I am glad you kept your tea in a glass, it gave it your way, as I said before about poets living in other countries, not only are the accents different but some of the ways are not the same as another country.
Well sorted, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

raj

Thu, 2014-05-08 15:59

Considering your interest in different customs, I would like to share some information related to tea from this part of our Tea World which perhaps you may find interesting:-

In Hindi language:

Tea= Chaai
Kadak Chaai = Strong Tea
Kori Chaai = Tea without Milk (Black Tea)
Khadaa Chamach Chaai = Khadaa (Standing) Chamach (spoon) Chaai (Tea)= Tea with so much sugar that a spoon will stand up :)
Chaai Paani = Chaai (Tea) Paani (Water) To give chaai paani is to give bribe :)
Maara Maari = Fight . In the context of Tea, Maara Maari means Tea and coffee mixed in equal measure
Cutting Chaai = half cup tea

raj (sublime_ocean)

Ian.T

Thu, 2014-05-08 19:01

Ian.T's picture
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I was a guest of Shipping Company in Dubai, I shopped in the Souks there,
What a lovely custom, to ask if I wanted a drink before starting to shop in their shops, Chaai was sent for, a talk was had, and then the question of what they could do for me was asked.
This would be so good to expand to a few countries.
The MC of the company took me out a few times there, and once we went to the Jockey Club at which he had to make me a member where upon he bought me a whiskey while he had orange juice.
Later we went to his favourite hotel where he had a Chaai with a slice of beautiful cake, an experience of being one in another country.
I have copied the list you gave, and I will look at it with the thoughts of making a theme for a poem or write.
Thanks again, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

weirdelf

Thu, 2014-05-15 08:02

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The content is bullshit.
You will die of malnutrition.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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