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Deathly Afraid... Wes' Workshop / Meter

If I seem scared, don't want just yet to die
It's true, you know it's true, I am like you
But you, I fear, the same as I to die
I know it's true, you know it's true, you do

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
After critiquing another's poem, I realized that I did the same thing I had crit him for for. So I went back and did the last line over and hope that I made it better. Plus, I got rid of a troublesome word! ~ Gee. .
Editing stage: 

Comments

You haven't identified your meter
.... but I presume it is iambic pentameter, as it is perfectly that

One tiny nit.... I tend to put the emphasis on 'don't ' in 'don't you' - especially as it is a question ... we tend to make the last word of a question a higher note

It is a tiny nit however .... it really works both ways

Love judy
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Sorry not to have labeled it. I agree that I might have done that line differently, but was in kind of a hurry to get my work in and missed it. ~ Gee.
.

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author comment

last closest was a nurse Dedhart..they o'd'ed me
then side that liked me pulled me.
Ombudsmen came in...slapped paperwork
down...but its not the ombudsmen fight
and anyway.....they had their motive
I lived.
not dice on my side
I like fiction but I love reality better
biker bobbi ..she pointed.hauled him
in what a joke
sure he loved her for that..
what......on...im not on my meds
did i write...something iffy
okay

i love orchards of apples
and sea scenes of bliss

my friend grabbed me by scruff of neck
car went by at fifty miles an hour
Dedhart tried to od me..but i lived
one fifty five got let to after that
and another fifty
so she had her try
rules according to piracy
say...my turn
yawn..boring..

they fragged captains in nam
why I have greater respect for
those that actually went there
then mere protesters..
although....
i can see protesters point
but i was not..
i was in a way front lines
still am

i knew people who moved
product
not wave a placard from wealthy
mommy daddy
they actually went...met the enemy
took shots....
brave indeed
came back

like now...we know...modern
kids..retiring hired again intel
over there...
forget it...prolli got a file on me
a mile thick
think I care.

send me over...
we all gonna die sooner or later
my friends drove truck cab here
stateside
picking up moving workers
making coin for the sydicate
independents
i had a scanner in my hometown
back in the day
and I knew the up and coming
workers..
I had my fan base of the top
which I danced with
respect
...
i worked for the cause
i was then not a protester
so these skimmers
trying to nuetralize me
are ...
fugget about it

poetry.........

words...snazzy fancy words....
and lets face it
worlds slipping to something
more harsh.....
martial law
america will snatch austrailia
canada
.
wont have to worry about
driving..serving country
they will let people who have done
their duty like most
settle
..

yup.....

excellent poem!!!!

Thanks for the comments. So glad that you didn't die! I have missed by inches at times and seconds by most. Funny thing, I was calm about it and didn't realize until after the instant, that it was serious! Then said: "Wow" that was close. Only once or twice with accidents on motorbike, did I know the gravity of the situation and be scared as it was happening. Stay safe and off the highways, they are very dangerous places even when not in a car. ~ Gee.
.

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Critique or comment today!

author comment

Drowned at 12,
Buried in an avalanche at 16,
Several ODs,
major car crash,
smart-arse behaviour in really tough crowds,
not to mention reading my poetry live.
That was the worst.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
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If so it is close. I see some glitches though. For example... listen to the first verse's last four words. You seem to have two spondees in a row. A spondee remember is two stressed syllables together. Taken by themselves alone they don't fall into another format such as iamb or trochee.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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there could be a couple of Spondees in there.

I'll read it twice, once naturally and once over-stressing the stresses.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0pWsZk7YHop

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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