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Death Eternal

As life itself, with acces through all gates,
So too, there is no rhyme for our dark friend.
Death rose as an equal, eternally.
Forboding belligerence over all.

On roads where feet are tread to bone,
(The mar of waste-lands trudged alone),
We'd rather never have to meet,
Death, that bastard, warring woe,
So callous in his ways;
With whom all finds defeat.

The raven's claws, the hell-hound's bark
Shall beg beneath e'er silently.
Though like a thief's ignited spark
Such lightning arc's reach wantonly.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
This poem could be better I think, it seems a little simple... I kinda like the idea though, otherwise I wouldn't post. Any ideas? I'm not affraid. Cheers. James
Editing stage: 

Comments

less rhyme, more meter, more content.

It's an interesting start.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

...before I actually edit my first attempt, I'd like to hear your thoughts. Here is what I've been playing around with...

As life itself, with acces through all gates,
So too, there is no rhyme for our dark friend.
Death rose as an equal, eternally.
Forboding Belligerence over all.

On roads where feet are tread to bone,
(The mar of waste-lands trudged alone),
We'd rather never have to meet,
Death, that bastard, warring woe.
So callous in his ways;
Whom all find swift defeat.

The raven's claws, the hell-hound's bark
Shall beg beneath e'er silently.
Though like a thief's ignited spark
Such lightning arc's reach wantonly.

I must admit here, my grasp on english is not very stable; grammar and punctuation, etc.
Any help?

ps weird elf
rhyming has become a curse, when writting my thoughts to verse, usually battling comprehending, writting without a rhyming ending. Another curse is syllable counting, an importance, to me, ever mounting.... the only time I find 'free' verse, is when I hit a rant or write on my tiny cell phone screen.

_____________
If I had it my way I'd be up on a mountain. Playing my guitar,
until my calluses grew calluses, my arse a chair and my smile into a halo

author comment

it is better to click edit above the title and edit the original poem. We can still see the differences by clicking Revisions.

The re-write is already a significant improvement. I'll come back to that later.

Rhyming is a real trap for anyone without a comprehensive grasp of English. Meter is not about counting syllables. Check out my meter workshop starting soon.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

but alright, no harm.

I am looking out for that workshop! I understand meter is not about syllables. Only, meter was something that I never met with focus. As you commented, rhyming is a trap and for me, that's not far from the truth. It's the same with syllables, though not ALL the time..
Cheers

_____________
If I had it my way I'd be up on a mountain. Playing my guitar,
until my calluses grew calluses, my arse a chair and my smile into a halo

author comment
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