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Death

Darkness
confusion
light
I feel myself being pulled beneath the water
plummeting
screaming
hurting
my last breath is like a petal falling
delicate and sorrowful
my head goes under
my brain still throbbing
something bright as the sun
shines before me
takes my hand
says "come"
I do

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is a poem I wrote after I had a near death experience. Fill in the rest.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I feel myself being beneath the water,
I would take out "being" it's redundant. In my opinion

Petal "falling", instead of repeating the word falling maybe use something like floating or drifting ?
I feel that your title could be better in the sence make the poem more intriguing.

I salute your courage to write such a poem. Well done.
Wow I'm glad it was just a close encounter, but do tell more if you feel you want to.

Thank you...Teddy

with their brevity are simply powerful in a chilling, crushing way. A well-writ word-painting.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

Dear Viv, your poem makes me shudder a little. Very well written. I supose a near death experience can take many forms, but yours is highly imaginative. Did you really feel like you say in your poem?
I imagine the light attracting you at the end of the nightmare, is that what it really was. Maybe it happened during surgery?
Enjoyed, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

sorry reading your response was funny. You took my poem to a completely different level than what it meant. My near death experience was drowning. I was in puerto rico at one of the water falls and i was like 9. I was kinda stupid and said oooh! pretty! then i went and walked right up to the falls. I automatically went under. Being small and skinny i couldn't get back out. No one helped me and i started to lose consciousness. Then out of the blue some guy pulled me up. I had blacked out by then. I was fine though. I hit my head on a rock and that's why I blacked out but no major damage. They saved me just in time. It was actually a funny story to tell afterward. The light in the poem represents jesus saying "its time!" If you know what I mean. :)

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

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