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Dear me that was - June Contest entry

Let me start….by smacking you upside the head
For all the silly things done and said
Let me continue with words of encouragement
You have not yet lost, what you have not yet met

You flew the coop, excited and young
A new-found freedom flowed through you veins
But, oh journey its been, times gone bung
And where, oh where my dear girl were your brains?

Never you mind, lessons have been learnt
Times experienced, both dark and light
Lessons leaving you better off, those that have burnt
Times that have been easy, times where you had to fight

Through the waters of life, you constantly waded
Sometimes sinking in the deeper depths of murk
Yet, though some of the memories have faded
Some do indeed leave you with that fond little smirk

So, to this contest as you post and procrastinate
Uttering words, some wise, some of rebuke
To show others something of what you would say
To a younger you, to avoid rumors of ill repute

So ode to I, tribute to you
Never grovel in the muddy puddles of times gone by
Go forward in all you say and all you do,
Practice kindness, passion and empathy on the fly

A few words to close, from me to you
Remember to always love deeply, truly, infinitely
Proceed with empathy and compassion in all you do
Overall allow your soul to fly free

with much love
Your slightly tethered, now wiser counterpart

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
New to me. Not sure if I captured the Epistle form as it's meant to be.......Let see what happens Reworked..... Rework 2
Editing stage: 

Comments

that's a pretty outta box Epistle ..the "ode to I, tribute to me" very well says what it is ...i liked the rhythm of the poem with good use of sequence ...except in the last quatrain where i stumbled a bit...may be just it is me but thought I must bring it to your notice just in case you would like to tweak it up...

best of luck for the contest...

be well..
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raj (sublime_ocean)

Hi Raj,

thank you for the read - yep I agree the last stanza also didn't feel comfortable - I have reworked it slightly - Please let me know your thoughts.

I have always wanted to write a piece that was totally something new - A different side to me if that makes sense. I don't know how I did here - will await responses LOL.

Another idea that had been floating around my head - what if......i did meet the "younger" me from days gone by - What would I impart to this young girl to try and ensure perhaps a smoother road....Anyone ever thought of that? what would you say?

Thanks again Raj

Yours in Script

Feebie

Let life be your muse in all you do!!!

author comment

it's pretty true that most of us when we look down the road traveled pause to think how could it have been different...did I miss a turn and so on...I must say you have captured those thoughts vividly ...

I notice that in the last quatrain you have done away with rhyme and made a transition to free form ..perhaps it may have been intentional i think to indicate that the protagonist now feels free...even otherwise free form gives you to the freedom to tweak up the concluding quatrain to make it convey your intent in a softer tone...by avoiding words like consternation...i would look for some soft toned alternatives ...again these are my thoughts..wait for what others say when they visit this appealing Epistle "Ode to I, tribute to me" a line which in itself is like a title...

have a good day...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

I love all the quirky argot, the fun rhymes, the whole narrative of ideas flows nice. It is very direct with no hidden meanings, as a letter should be. Comforting to read.

Comments, 2: all other rhymes work but "head" and "encouragement" I think a bit too slanted.
You have commas and question marks, add periods.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

good edits Feebie...

all the best for the contest...
...............................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

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