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Deaf, Blind, and Mute (edited)

version 2 (the edited version)

If we could speak,
we'd tell
how bad it is
to smell
corpse's remnants
left down
to rot under walls
broken.

If we could listen,
we'd tell
how woeful it is
to hear
children's laughter
shelled with bombs
and in cold blood
stolen.

If we could see,
we'd tell
how many tears
and more fears
are yet to born
while innocent dreams
fallen.

But we are
deaf
blind
and
mute

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Editing stage: 

Comments

Great stuff. Indeed there are times were it is better to be deaf, blind, or mute. To be pure and unable to be tainted by certain horrors. Liked it a lot.

Noticed you were asking if you should change the "we(s)" to "I(s)"

In my opinion it works for me as it is. Changing to "I(s)" would work out fine. But I feel if you do that, the poem changes in that it isolates the narrator. Becomes one story. For me I feel that the poem as it is represents the emotions of a people of group who share the emotion in the poem. I'm not saying making the change is a negative or positive thing. I think in the end it is just a personal choice and how you want the poem to come off.

Hope my opinion was helpful. Good job on the poem.

Much appreciate reading and the thoughtful comment you've added.
I am aware how the meaning would differ if I change from WE to I but the idea came to me when I got no comments, so I thought there some might feel some kind of offense which is never meant in my writing.

One more thing if you don't mind, please. I know you are not in the New form workshop that is running at the moment and for which this piece is submitted, but could you feel that the change in the form (from structured , to free and structured again ) helped the message conveyed in anyway or was it so subtle to be noticed?

Again I thank you for your visit.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

For me, I guess it was subtle. I had to go back and read it over a few times after you mentioned the form change. But that's just me and my experience, maybe other people are able to spot the change better than I. Great stuff again. Glad I could help

I think I see the morph after each of the senses. Speak listen and see

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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I won't comment on the morphing aspect of the poem because I am still not proficient in the various forms. Therefore, as a fellow participant in Stan's WS, I need to provide a critic, at least at this stage, I do not feel it right to make a qualified comment about it.

However, the poem is an eye opener and stirred me for sure, especially in the context of the unfortunate scenarios unfolding around in our world and does illustrate your sensitivities as well as a sense of helplessness.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I see why and how do you find it hard to locate up the morphing. But I think this morphing thing is meant to be felt rather than noticed.

In my piece here, I have started with non-rhyming three structured stanzas, almost go like 4-3-4-3 ...1
then they turn to somehow a monotonous tone (hopefully to reflect the author's sadness) when I have changed to somehow free form (though I would consider it more a structured yet with different meter (that is mono meter)

deaf
blind
and
mute

Then I finished again with a structured but a rhyming "a b a b" stanza again to stress the sarcasm intended of being deaf, blind and mute.

Again I believe you need to feel it rather than notice the change of the tone that accompanies the change of the form, otherwise I am a failure noway.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Thanks for the substantial clarification which now makes me notice the transitions from form to form . It would be wrong for you to presume you are a failure. By my guesstimate Stan would be appreciative of this effort.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I did fell the morph I think at after speak see and hear.
Then deaf blind and mute gave it a different fell as it ends

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I think this shows how effective an abrupt change can be if done right. It is the very suddenness of change in form which led me to realize that it is the dead who would speak. Had the morph been gradual, the intent might have been missed among the flow................stan

I wonder, does this mean that I have passed ?:)

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

There's no pass or fail in this shop as we're all learning here. I'm hoping this shop will result in some folks starting to use this form some on their own once they realize how useful it can be. In the event I ever run another shop on morphing poetry, THEN grades will be passed out lol.......stan

I don't think one workshop like this is enough. I'm serious.

Alid

is always welcomed.
then grades ha?
I thought we've been always using the morphs in our writing ere the workshop without being aware of the form or its name. But now more attention is being paid as when and where to be used.
Always thank you for your endless efforts.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Terror of War

Posted on March 3, 2012 by Yenti

Terror of War

I cried I screamed.
I could not think, or dream of normal things.
That you out there, hold not so dear.
Faces crawling with scum, then holes,
holes in bodies, it had just begun.

A redness flows through her matted hair,
its grabbing the dust that is gathered there.
It is dragging the dust of my friend this way,
A crazy paving of red streaked clay.

My friend, my friend, why cant you wait,
a flickering smile, that’s flaunting her state.
Then that peaceful look, that held no hate,
as you slipped away from me.

Maybe you knew what lay beyond,
for you at the end of this day.
I have only to wait, sit, and pray,
that your smile is no lie,
that I could if only I…..

A vision of two children crouched by a building, being shelled, or bombed, it made no difference, in the end they both left the Earth plain.
I think I wrote this a while back when they were fighting in Lebanon.
It is a picture being repeated in my eyes each day, when will it end.
When there are no more children left to die.
Yours very sad, and your write said much, from someone that is there closer to the wars.
Yours as always Ian xx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

much appreciate your kind comment and the piece you've added..
It absolutely reflects your caring.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

You have succeeded in your Morphing, great writing, now we wait the next part,
Yours as always, Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

For me, the first three stanzas were a little too short, choppy. The fourth stanza, though, had the feel of "deafening" silence at the end of each word. I didn't feel sarcasm at the end. I felt the form made it feel smooth, restful. I think it's a normal wish to have a break from horror although it does not justify denial and inaction.

A different interpretation may be, but as long as you say it works well,
I thank your thoughtful comment.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Well done with the morphing. Apart from that this poem is clearly felt more than written. It touches the reader's hearts as well.

I know the dead children
will ascend to heaven
for they were innocents
murdered by heartless men

Still, my sadness, undenied
as I joined the mothers in tears
lips quivering as I cried
sharing the grief felt by my sisters

Ya Allah, I pray to you,
grant us strength to face your trials
let us be reunited with our families
with true glory in the Otherworld

Alid

your comment and the verses that followed touched my heart as well.
May Allah answer our and your prayers to end the wars all around the world.
They are inhumane in all aspects.
Thank you again.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

This is bookmarked.
I would leave "we", and not replace it wih "I", it has more impact with the former.
I read this up to 4th stanza first, and was captivated by its truth and power, which is why, for me personally, the 5th stanza is not needed: everything you need to say about our detachment from the horrors of war has already been said, and said so well that it needs no further explanation.

This is most excellent.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

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it really pleases me to see you on one of my pages. Hope all is better with you. I've really missed you.
Thank for your comment and the thoughtful feedback.
I have almost settled my mind re the "we" and "I" when you came to confirm it, so many thanks.
As for the last stanza, I totally agree with you. I won't add it if not for the workshop. I guess you have to blame Stan by the end of the day LOL.
I might consider leaving it out if the workshop participant say that the mono structure by the end is pretty enough to show the change.
I will like it more then.
Please take care.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

You could always try shortening the lines a lot in final stanza while maintaining rhyme and see how that works for you...stan

I am still struggling with that stanza. It says what something, but I think not the way I entended it be.
Think, think, think.....

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I don't think the last stanza works. It needs to be more powerful. In fact, I'm not even certain you need it at all. The title encapsulates the point of view already.

There are a few areas where I stumbled but other than that I loved the language use..

Scott

can you please just point out which version you are talking about
Do you mean the original or the above edited one.
I understand that you are voting for the edited version if I am getting you right.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

have taken place.
but sometimes my revisions go worse than the origins, that's why I don't like to go through many revisions.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Yes, the most recent edit

Scott

for your invaluable thoughts.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Without reading any comments, I like this a lot,
it explains in such a lovely way, the predicament
for those in such situations, a big sigh dear Rula.
a big sigh!

Love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

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