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De Rege: Canto IV

Once green of spring, now brown leaves lay,
once vibrant heart now cold and gray.
The seasons change, and I should’ve known
That the frosty storms and tempests blown
Shall kill the life of feeble flowers
While cold rain comes in sheets and showers,
While life goes on, it flows subdued
Streams undercurrent's sombre mood.
Just so, one wintry glance alone
From frigid king - man cold as stone -
Shall freeze the gentle heart, and then
‘’Invidia vincit amorem,”
The heart once free now lives enslaved
it ‘ll not depart this life unscathed,
For though winds die, the scars always remain
On tree’s bark and woman’s heart, eternally the same

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
This poem is part of my series "De Rege." The phrase "Invidia vincit amorem" translates from the Latin as "Envy conquers love." The title, "De Rege," translates roughly to "Concerning the King." This series is very personal to me in its subject. It was a major part of the healing process I went through rather recently. I do not mind criticism to rhyme and meter, but I am still a bit sensitive on the subject.
Editing stage: 

Comments

i really really like this write

but i find a lot of the lines either too long, or with irregular rhythm that detracts from the emotive, which is amazing

i would be more than happy to parse this for you so that you can see what i am talking about.... but i'm not sure if that would offend you - so i won't unless you ask me to

great write
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Dear judy, I'd love it if you could help me with this poem. I have always felt the same way about the rhythm, but I had trouble reconciling it while maintaining the original meaning I wished to convey. Please do show me a bit of what you mean. Thank you!

The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits.~G.K. Chesterton

author comment

the tone and the link between the weather and life. Not that it hasn't been done before, but you did it rather well! I agree that the rhythm is a little off, but I think you would do well to follow Judy's suggestions. Welcome to Neo!
~ Geezer

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
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.

not sure how au fait you are with meter and foot count
i thought i’d just begin with the basics before i throw my crit at you
hope it is helpful

with metered poetry we count the feet not the syllables

There are six basic rhythms:

Iamb/Iambic - | ta dum | be-cause |… a foot consists of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one

Trochee/Trochaic = | dum ta | dead-line | … a foot consists of a stressed syllable followed by an unstressed one

Anapest/Anapestic = | ta ta dum | to the park | … a foot consists of three syllables two unstressed followed by a stressed

Dactyl/Dactylic =| dum ta ta | fre-quent-ly | … a foot consists of three syllables one stressed followed by two unstressed

Spondee/Spondaic = | dum dum | true blue | … a foot consists of two stressed syllables

Pyrrhic =| ta ta | what if | … a foot consists of two unstressed syllables
– spondaic and pyrrhic are merely mentioned here for interest sake – one can find them within one or two lines of a poem, but they never would be used to write the whole thing

Line count – A line is the regular succession of feet
The correct terminology is actually verse
That is, a line of poetry is called a verse
Two or more verses of poetry are called stanzas

monometer - one foot to the verse
dimeter – two feet to the verse
trimeter - three feet to the verse
tetrameter- four feet to to the verse
pentameter – five feet to to the verse
hexameter - six feet to the verse
heptameter seven feet to the verse
octameter – eight feet to the verse

so – to your poem...

Once GREEN /of SPRING, /now BROWN /LEAVES LAY,
As HEART/ once VIB/-rant RED,/ now COLD/ and GRAY.
The SEA- /sons CHANGED,/ and i SHOULD /-’ve KNOWN
That the FROST-/ y STORMS / and TEMP-/ ests BLOWN
Shall KILL /the LIFE /of FEE-/ ble FLOWERS
while COLD /RAIN COMES/ in SHEETS /and SHOW- ers
And while LIFE/ GOES ON,/ it FLOWS /SUB-dued

beautiful start – I don’t think it affects it too much, but the second line is in pentameter, while the others are in tetrameter
it might work better to shorten that line, but not essential

but these need work – all too long and mixing the iambic and trociac etc too much i think...
As CUR- /rent UN /-der ICE / STREAMS in / SOM-ber /MOOD.
JUST SO /ONE SHARP / WINT-ry /GLANCE a-/ LONE
From a KING /FRIDG-id /as CHILL,/ a MAN/ COLD as /STONE

then a good iambic tetrameter
Shall FREEZE /the GEN-/ tle HEART, /and THEN

and the rest, again have 5 to 7 feet

While STORM /-y SOV- /e-reign SINGS,/ “in-VID -/ia VIN /cit am-OR
/em,”

The HEART /ONCE BLISS-/ful and FREE /now LIVES /en-SLAVED
And it SHALL/ not PASS/ OUT of this/ SAD LIFE/ un-SCATHED,
For though WINDS /DIE, the /SCARS AL/-ways re-MAIN
On TREE’S /BARK and /WOM-an’s /HEART e-/TERN-al/-LY the SAME

hope that this is of some help – will gladly offer suggestions if you like...

may i reiterate that i really really like this work
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

please forgive me - but such a beautiful write i couldn't help toying with...

Once green of spring, now brown leaves lay,
once vibrant heart now cold and gray.
The seasons change, and I should’ve known
That the frosty storms and tempests blown
Shall kill the life of feeble flowers
While cold rain comes in sheets and showers,
While life goes on, it flows subdued
Streams undercurrent's sombre mood.

Just so, one wintry glance alone
From frigid king - man cold as stone -
Shall freeze the gentle heart, and then
‘’Invidia vincit amorem,”
The heart once free now lives enslaved
it ‘ll not depart this life unscathed,
For though winds die, the scars always remain
On tree’s bark and woman’s heart, eternally the same

the last two lines are still too long, as i haven't touched them
i felt that they were special to you
and the length at the end doesn't affect the rhythm that much....

i would've made it
although winds die, the scars remain
on tree's bark and womans heart, eternal, same.

:(
love judy xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I am already a fan of your poetry since you capture and compare the moods of the nature with those of a woman here with such honesty. The very fact that Juddyanne who is an accomplished poet has gone at length with her critique as well as suggestions in itself is testimony of the talent she finds in your write. I am sure you would consider them positively and stand to benefit.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you for your encouragement. I am so happy you like my work and that it makes you feel something!

Blessings,
Bella Cicerona

The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits.~G.K. Chesterton

author comment

Thank you so much for spending such alot of time helping me with this poem! I love what you have done with it. Those last lines, though, as you said, are very important. I think I will keep them as they are, but the rest of your suggestions I gladly take! Thanks again :)

Blessings,
Bella Cicerona

The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits.~G.K. Chesterton

author comment

I see that there are many helping you with your works.
I loved this piece it flowed and had a purpose, later we can talk of reasons but they are part of the whole.
That you are happy with the theme is fine, and I see that our lovely Judy has been busy with form.
You are going to be an asset to Neopoet with your strong rhyme and words,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

"each eternally the same"

I like how all has helped on this poem
It is a very great poem..
classic story telling
man and nature bound together..
we seem to have separated how
weather affects us now that we
live less in it..or can avoid it

and no un avoiding Love or its spells
and breaks..

Thank You!

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