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Day's Closure

Day’s Closure (a Serenade)

When evening nears on stealthy feet
and half asleep the roses sway, then,
by the glow of celestial rays the nighthawk
hunts his prey. On silent wings
the hunter seeks the butterfly that rests
upon the bloom; but it is doomed;
no insect escapes the bird— We listen
to the soft whirring of the predator’s wings,

then share a dish of strawberries while
a thrush sings her song of fervent love;
we gaze at the stars, and I realize this:
you are my heaven’s dome, and all the stars
I see in you are mine to hold.

Enchantment reigns, and as soft clouds
conceal the inquisitive moon’s bold stare,
I take you in my arms —and taste
the lingering strawberry between your lips.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hi, Jerry,
Oh. my goodness. Wow! How can you take the predator's success and make it seem so romantic?! It is all part of it, I guess. The thrush, the stars, the strawberries - much to love here in your sweet serenade, which is, if I understand correctly, full of movements of different speeds? Wonderful!
Thank you!
L

Yes, one might say my poem is filled with movement at different speeds, and you picked up on it; thank you, dear lady, for being the first to comment on that fact. It's true, the wife and I enjoy the early evening hours and observe nature as it tunes down. And, yes--there is snow on the roofs of these old folks--and strawberries in our bowl--and we still have a fire going in the fireplace--if you catch my meaning. Oh! I want to thank you for always being there to comment on my writings. Thanks, dear Lavender. Jerry

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>Please visit my website: www.jerrykspoetry.com

author comment

I loved this piece of song. Other than full stops which you have used, i suggest use of commas would help readers take a pause. Just a suggestion...i liked the romantic end and the rhythm of this piece..

be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

thanks for reading and encouraging me to use my trusty old comma shaker more frequently, even though it seems to be frowned upon in contemporary poetry. I, however, am a stout proponent of proper punctuation as well. Thank you for reading and liking my poem. I appreciate your suggestion, good friend. Jerry

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>Please visit my website: www.jerrykspoetry.com

author comment

Hello Jerry, what a beautiful serenade. Lucky the lady who is serenaded by you, Sir. The imagery is lovely, I'm full of praise. The title is perfect. No nits at all.
I absolutely adore the last strophe. Strawberry flavor on the lady's lips...wow.
Enjoyed thoroughly, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

I hope this serenade more than makes up for the loss of the Elder Bush poem that you liked. I will re-post it, soon. Gracy, thank you for liking this poem; you are so very--very--huckleberry--no--what's the word? Sweet? yes! Thank you, dear. Jerry

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>Please visit my website: www.jerrykspoetry.com

author comment
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