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DAYDREAMER
All he does is sit all day
before a window looking out,
what little hair he has is gray.
I wonder what he thinks about.
That window fronts on a small wood
there behind the nursing home.
He'd love to walk there if he could
as in his youth he used to roam.
But he is stuck in his wheel chair;
a stroke and bad hips keep him bound.
His eyes tell he'd rather be out there
beneath the trees on shaded ground.
Knowing that his speach is slurred
he is not much for conversation,
just now and then a halting word
spoken with soft shy hesitation.
Alert eyes study every tree
to spot a squirrel, maybe a crow,
any wildlife he might see,
in the sun or rain or snow.
So in his mind he goes away
back to when his stride was strong.
One day soon he'll go to stay
and who's to say that will be wrong?
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ian.T
Thu, 2012-07-19 14:01
Stan
I liked this write, but it reminded me of that guy with the scythe that is doing the rounds, I hope he misses me and says I can't be found,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Thu, 2012-07-19 16:33
Hi Ian
I was just taking a peek at my possible future.....not Yours lol. That ol' harvester best stay away a bit longer at least........................stan
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2012-07-19 18:16
None of us...
like growing old, but we all want to keep doing it. I hope your brain and fingers are the last to go,
for the world will be a poorer place without your poetry. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Ian.T
Thu, 2012-07-19 18:20
Gee
Of course we want to keep doing it what else is there, or is there something you aren't telling us ???? Brain and fingers eh!??? lol,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Thu, 2012-07-19 20:03
Hi Gee
I hope the fingers you refer to include the eleventh one............you know......eleventh.......oh well, I tried lol. Thanks for the visit and kind comment..............stan
author commentIan.T
Fri, 2012-07-20 03:29
LOL
LOL = Lot of Loving
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
magics02
Sat, 2012-08-11 12:46
Wow
My little scribbler:
This is a great poetic write as it took me to the wheelchair and in the eyes of one that once could walk and now is almost chained to the chair. You did a great job as it gave me that emotion inside. I think that is a good thing:) Miss talking to you. Hope all is well by you and the family and nice to see you are still working at it here!
God Bless!
Mona
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-11 14:50
Hi Mona
Good to see you drop in. I Hope I'm slowly getting better and appreciate the kind comment. I hope you and yours are also faring well (especially you father)..................stan
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2012-08-11 14:54
Hi Eph
Me and those damned typos lol. I appreciate your coming by with some ideas. In second stanza I want reader to realize the wood the protagonist looks at is small not a forest. I think I'll use your suggestion for reveal when I get a chance to edit...................stan
author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2012-08-12 02:07
hi stan
hi stan
all suggestions below for the meter….
‘That window fronts on a small wood’ - ‘The window fronts a tiny wood’
‘But he's stuck in his wheeled chair’ - ‘But he is stuck in his wheel-chair’
'his eyes tell he'd rather be there' - ‘his eyes reflect a wish for there’
'he's not much for conversation' - ‘he's not a man for conversation’
‘spoken with soft shy hesitation’ - a change of meter… but I like it – an example of where one can use it to effect…
‘to spot a squirrel, maybe a crow’ – ‘to spot a squirrel, perhaps a crow’
typo
Knowing that his speach is slurred - ‘speech’
love mm
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sun, 2012-08-12 11:52
Hi MM
suggestion #1 I like this and may well use it
#2 Used wheeled chair to imply that he considers it more a chair which happens to have wheels than a wheelchair
#3 this is a bit awkward and Will be changed
#4 I hoped the way I phrased this might imply that he once was quite a talker but no longer due to stroke, your suggestion implies he Never talked much
#5thank you. the blind squirrel found a nut! lol
#6 I like this and will use it thanks
#7 I expect this is my most often misspelled word lol. thanks for the catch
As always a pleasure to hear from you.........................................stan
author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2012-08-12 22:47
hey stan
'But he's stuck in his wheeled chair'
- wheeled chair/ wheelchair' - not to do with the crit
'he is stuck' rather than 'he's stuck' was the point - for the iambic :)
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Mon, 2012-08-13 00:00
Hi Judy
Dang! now I have to review Again lol................stan
author commentwesley snow
Fri, 2015-04-03 13:17
As you review
check for typographical errors. There are quite a few more than just the one Judyanne offered. Proofread son, proofread. I've said it enough in workshops. Proofread.
Otherwise, I loved the poem. It was out of your element and that was great to see.
My moment spent the last ten years of her life in hospital dying with Huntington's Chorea. All she had that pleased her was smoking. Otherwise, she just sat and thought until she left.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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scribbler
Fri, 2015-04-03 14:32
typos?
as in "My moment...." But I've checked and saw the double now then decided to make another minor edit while there. I'm sorry your mother had to be bed bound for so long. I know it was tough on her And her family. Always good to have you look over my shoulder and remind me of over looked miscues........stan
author commentraj
Sat, 2015-04-04 14:21
Exquisite write Stan Regards,
Exquisite write Stan
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Sat, 2015-04-04 18:10
Thank you raj
I appreciate your taking time to drop by.......stan
author comment