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The Day I Saw Unrestrained Happiness

Submitted by Pugilist on Tue, 2014-03-18 01:19

I took a breath and found my tragedies
littered in my life like incomplete dreams
and I gathered them, placed them together
that they might commiserate their failures
and take heart that all for which they'd striven
had come to naught; had disintegrated
into a web of dry disappointment
and served no purpose and brought no comfort
and inspired no joy or wrought happiness
in any life that they had touched or seen.
And I found my tears of discouragement,
my angst, my pity, and malevolent
anger brought no deeper satisfaction.
And I wept for all I had forced away.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is a thought experiment in pentameter blank verse.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Ian.T

Tue, 2014-03-18 04:33

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A beautiful but cruel poem to the composer, there seems to be a great regret there that things could have been different.
I think that we both know, me in my poem of another year past, and you with this one.
I hope that the happiness you gained in those past places has carried a peace with you for always.
Here you seemed to shrink away from the good things that happened trying to hide them by noting this list of the downside Walk with those memories always, I would love to read the side you didn't show, that love that you seem to hold close to your chest.
I have spent many years holding such a love, yet it gives me a peace that is beyond years,
Yours Ian.T
PS:- that the form you use is perfect, the message it holds still shines through..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Pugilist

Tue, 2014-03-18 09:57

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This piece is actually inspired by a conversation I had with my youngest son about his mother.

She strives for misery and is surprised when she attains it. I pity her choices but am relieved I am no longer affected by them.

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Jonathan Moore

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Pugilist

Wed, 2014-03-19 12:52

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I modified a few words and smoothed out punctuation

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Jonathan Moore

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