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In Darkness

we rowed across the loch
in darkness
going to our island
in a boat whose pattern
came from Vikings,
Moon a slivered crescent
over watchful mountains,
bright enough to see,
faint enough
to let the stars shine through,
only unseen peaks
cutting off bright swathes
of universe in cloudless sky,
stretching to forever’s edge.

I could smell the forest
on approaching shore,
pines and oaks all crowded close
on rocky slopes,
marching down to sea
as smooth and still as glass.

I could feel the ocean
pulling at the oars,
Salt taste upon my lips,
Each blade coiling
into phosphorescence
Pale green effervescence
From unseen creatures old
when world was young.

I heard your unseen breath,
felt your slender legs against
the bottom of my feet;

and I floated in
a depth-less darkness,
propelled by swirls of light
and thoughts of how
I would remove
Your clothes
Once we reached our destination.

my eyes were closed,
my body caught in rhythm
and anticipation;
when I opened them
in darkness I could see
your face, your lips, your hips, your breasts,
for you had undressed
and with cupped hands
poured ocean on your skin
to make it glow with whispered life

you made me understand;
when I stopped rowing
our journey’s end
had become each other,
not our island.

alone and eager
we joined together
in darkness
at the center
of the shimmering sacred sea.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
My final edit of this piece.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I was thinking that it has been some time since I've seen something from you.
Your language use is pretty good, although I would leave out a couple of those big, unwieldy words that kind of slow things down. This is how I see it.

Each blade coiling into pale, green phosphorescence
Effervescent from creatures old when the world was young

Your ending is good; I would just change the word [unseen] to shimmering,
so that it reads shimmering, sacred sea. Just suggestions, as you know. Nice to see you, ~ Gee.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Thanks for the critique, which as usual is more than good.
I changed the lines with those big words - you're right, it's better - and shimmering? LoL that one was staring me in the face! Changed, and changed the whole scene for the better.
Thanks man.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Stunning imagery and erotic without being pornographic. I saw a few lines I'd have written differently but upon review realized they'd just be different, not better. You might read this aloud and reconsider where you place your stanza breaks. Very good poem in my opinion......stan

Thank you so much. I did as you recommended, and changed some of the stanza breaks. It reads better, and flows better.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I hope your spell of bad health is over with

So far, so good!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

in a boat whose pattern
MAY GOOGLE ALSO chromosome I will get back later Y CHROMO FOR MAN
X FOR WOMAN
Please think the difference and pardon my intrusion

but so far I haven't found another that replaces it they way I want.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

try [that's] pattern came from Vikings. Just thinking that it is a quirk of the way the sentence is formed and maybe you might either use [that's] or rewrite the line, to say: "In a boat the was patterned after Viking's" I like your way better, so I would go with [that's]. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

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