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the darkest hour'......Edit BY Judyanne

eyes drooping
away from a cloudy sky
lightening threatening
thunder rolling
a splash of daylight
as the sun breaks in
then sudden rain in full fury

folks run for shelter
in a huff and hurry
mayhem
God plays merry hell
I stand dumb-founded
spell bound
lost voice
unable to yell
the shadows move around
as they do in hell

roads vanish
and the sea swims in
a miniscule moment
time wise tsunami
ferocious

all hang upon trees
now growing atop roof tops

many souls laid to rest.
I’m left to ponder the
pangs of nature
we tend to attribute
to
Almighty who?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Editing stage: 

Comments

I think i know where you're trying to get to, but i think it needs a bit more work. I think it stumbles here and there, your work is unique. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Judy has changed the hue altogether

loved

author comment

but I think there is too much ‘play’
you can often get away with silliness in your writes, but I think you need to keep the seriousness of this one

my take

eyes drooping
away from a cloudy sky
lightening threatening
thunder rolling
a splash of daylight
as the sun breaks in
then sudden rain in full fury

folks run for shelter
in a huff and hurry
mayhem
God plays merry hell
I stand dumb-founded
spell bound
lost voice
unable to yell
the shadows move around
as they do in hell

roads vanish
and the sea swims in
a miniscule moment
time wise tsunami
ferocious

all hang upon trees
now growing atop roof tops

many souls laid to rest.
I’m left to ponder the
pangs of nature
we tend to attribute
to
almighty who?

one other thing - the title. i think it could be stronger - 'the darkest hour'? 'God who'?

just me, as you know
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

a GEM ,
and glad in the mayhem
you pass over my silliness
thanks

loved

author comment

I too, like where you are going with this write! You have good energy rolling, here. I like Judy's ideas and suggestions, also. Nature can be a real B!tch.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Judy has edited it
changed the texture
what a wonder ...

loved

author comment

A grand write and full of vigour, well done,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

the polisher Judy
needs to be graced too
more you know
than me...

loved

author comment

I admired these lines:

many souls laid to rest.
I’m left to ponder the
pangs of nature
we tend to attribute
to
Almighty who?

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

who respects
and values appreciation ...
more than criticism ..
it gives non- poets like me
some hope
as a Neopoet to cope.

.thank you for your continued support.

I am now in search of my 51 gems
out of over 9000
can't still find many
can you help me please.

you have read so many..

loved

author comment
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