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Dactyl Example (Wes's Meter WS)

Dark is the/ night when the/ bombs are re/leased from the/ enemies'/planes in the/ sky

Grip of des/pair in the/ hearts of de/feated guards/ growing in/ might as their/ families/ die  

 

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

have you tried to read this aloud and to put the stress where it should naturally be?
I have problems in more than one place.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Maybe you can show me the mistakes and offer some suggestions to help me with the choice of words. Can the "unstressed" words be substituted with"lesser stressed" words? I'm quite lost on how to edit this.

Alid

author comment

I've done some tweaking but still need help. What do you think?

Alid

author comment

the first line is fine I think.

as for the second line, I read like:
GRIP of des/PAIR in the/ HEARTS of de/FEATed MEN/ GROWing in/ MIGHT as their/ FAMilies/ DIE

I'd replace the "men" with "Guards" as you'd then have a weaker stress on guards
"guard GROW ing"

Let's see what the masters might say.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Thank you very much.

Alid

author comment

Not as smooth as you think. I managed to get it right only after the 3rd edit.Tough, but I'm glad I did it.

Alid

author comment

I t has been a trial but I managed to do it right.

Alid

author comment

"men" did not stress to me.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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that's very good to know.

Alid

author comment

but your subject matters are violent and depressing. Nothing wrong with that, just an observation.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

That is why I'm trying to post 2 more to balance it but just too busy at the moment.

Alid

author comment

Here's how it sounds in my Aussie accent.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1I6dHZcLag5

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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