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The Cycle Of Our Life

Submitted by alidzain on Sun, 2017-01-08 18:47

Soon,
we will all be
the shades of memories.
as a new generation arise
to sail across this sea of life.

We'll leave behind
pieces of ourselves in our kin,
the lessons we learn
and the tools that are always within reach.
until the time comes for them
to pass the helm to another
who will face the future.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

valene

Sun, 2017-01-08 22:32

I think you've explained the cycle of life quite nicely here. Every point you make rings true. I like how you've formatted this, and think you've done a good job with writing free verse; I envy your ability to this form of poetry....'tis not something I'm comfortable doing.
I have a few technical suggestions but otherwise I see no reason make any changes to the overall poem.
In verse 2...line 4...i would say 'and the tools that are always within reach instead of that's
line 7..i would switch out the 'that' and say 'who'
Last verse..last line...you misspelled 'of' ...you have 'oof'
Those are my only suggestions.
Thanks for sharing!

valene

alidzain

Mon, 2017-01-09 13:24

alidzain's picture

for the read and the critique. Done the edits.

Alid

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valene

Mon, 2017-01-09 15:50

my pleasure

valene

Rula

Mon, 2017-01-09 14:22

Rula's picture
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I think you meant to say 'the lessons we (learn)' instead of 'teach' ... maybe?

Well done, but in my humble opinion you don't need the last few lines. Your message is well summed up in the title.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
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alidzain

Mon, 2017-01-09 20:38

alidzain's picture

how have you been? It's been long since I've met you here. Hope everything is well with you and your family. Thanks for taking the time to read and to comment. I'll need your help with my other poem which is co-authored by Gee, entitled "The Shadows' Connection 1".

Thank you, sister.
Alid

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China Blue

Mon, 2017-01-09 17:41

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beautiful
one really tiny point kin or kinsmen as kin is already undertood asin kith and kin (plural) How have you been

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

alidzain

Mon, 2017-01-09 20:39

alidzain's picture

I've been busy, old friend. As one of the members of the Malay Poet Society, I'm very happy to see my poems have reached Indonesia and Malaysia. That means all my hardwork, writing malay poems in facebook every night has paid off and I'm invited to join and contribute in some of the malay poetry sites. I'm still learning as I carry on writing, not just because of my passion but to help me deal with the constant pain I felt at night. I got arthritis. I don't have any news of our Jayne and I missed everyone here real bad but I understand that sometimes life gets in the way. I mean I myself is guilty of being away for sometime now.

Enough about me. How about you? It's been long since we've last met here. By the way, I have posted "The Shadows' Connection 1" with Gee which introduced my hunter character and Gee's Killer working together. This one really needs you and the others' suggestions and critics for the edits. It is supposed to be the beginning of a series but I supposed Gee is busy. When you have the time, please checked it out.

Wish you well this year and thank you for the read and the comment, Chrys!

Alid

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