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Like Curls Of Gray Smoke

How frequently we pivot in life when we fall in love with something.
Having been given heart, mind and free will.
We are still programed to pursue it.

If it hurts, forgive till your heart begins to harden.
Hold on tightly until your hands are sore, torn and callused,
falling away,withered like dried dandelion.

When you keep your eyes averted from the truth you witness;he never loved you.
Let go of your aching mind, let fall away any why's, any questions of doubts of what you may believe you did or didn't do.

You will find no answers, no quick flashes of some fiery moment where you'll decide this one piece was your slip.
Always it comes to pass, putting the blame on ourselves seems to be a thing easier to digest than the truth.

The truth is a simple oddity. You did nothing that would have caused him to scour your deepest secrets and vulnerable soul, then freely dissipate them like curls of gray smoke.

He easily savored, brightly and comically loved twisting till it all imploded, fell to dust but laid so heavy, not even a hurricanes raging could ever move a single grain taken from her pain pit.

How then does she find any part of what she hated? left to hold it again,to be allowed to destroy it her way?
She asks me that so seriously. There could be only one answer.
You just have to pull it from the rubble.

We are given heart, mind and free will.
It's such a putrid thing when someone uses those gifted tools to search and destroy any and all hearts and minds whose only crime appears to have been. . .

Wanting love.

K. Mulroney
June 24, 2017

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I need to get my feet wet here again. Neopoet S never lied or pulled my chain. I had a good size following back then. I dont want life's rotten punches to change me....much. I sitting am very much the smart ass I have always been just a bit more refined about it all. I ask you give me what you actually felt, not all wrapped in oxygen robbing me of sensitivities I cling to at times. But if you must to tell me your honest truth, then I don't want you to hold back. By the way, try to enjoy it as you read. A Good feeling a lot of the time is far and few between.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I need to get my feet wet here again. Neopoet S never lied or pulled my chain. I had a good size following back then. I dont want life's rotten punches to change me....much. I sitting am very much the smart ass I have always been just a bit more refined about it all. I ask you give me what you actually felt, not all wrapped in oxygen robbing me of sensitivities I cling to at times. But if you must to tell me your honest truth, then I don't want you to hold back. By the way, try to enjoy it as you read. A Good feeling a lot of the time is far and few between.

author comment

Don't be afraid to come back!

There is a lot of pain and wisdom in this poem. It's sad that most wisdom does come from pain and sadness and discovering how to keep going despite it all.

I love that the curls of gray smoke from the title comes into the poem directly, in the form of the secrets. Sometimes titles feel like the writer just threw something up there as an afterthought and I struggle to figure out the connection. I like to think that the smoke curl line shows that even though this love broke the narrator's heart, it seems like he let the secrets go. He didn't keep them as blackmail. We read horror stories online of people sharing private information that was shared in confidence once they've broken up with someone to humiliate them and ruin their reputation, but maybe not in this poem. Being brokenhearted is enough, I think. The added humiliation is too cruel, so when it does happen I'm just relieved that the person got away from someone who would do such a thing.

If I could make a few small suggestions: I think the three-line stanzas that start the poem give a good structure, so I think it would benefit the reader if the whole poem matched that pattern. It may be that you already had all three-line stanzas, but they might be too long for Neopoet to keep them that way.

Also, The part that reads "to be allowed to destroy it her way?" confused me at first. I thought maybe the "it" was in the wrong spot or something like that, but then I realized I was just confusing myself. The "it" seems to be the parts that she hates. If that is the case, then the line is just a tiny bit vague and you may consider making it more clear if you decide to revise. Something like changing "it" to "the parts" would work.

Of course, this is your poem and it's up to you to decide if it needs any changes or not. It may be a very personal topic and you may not want to have to read or work on it right now. If that is the case, I totally understand and I hope my comment doesn't make you feel obligated to make changes. Just here to help!

Take care,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

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Thank you for that insightful opinion on my first poem back. U are correct, the cur,LSC of smoke are her letting all the hatred release while her heart is still shredded, she knows only she can let the hatred toward him go and she choose to do this at the same moment he devoured her. The stanzas? I practice with them. I like not using more that one or two of them and sometimes none at all. I will continue playing with this one.

" TO BE ALLOWED TO DESTROY IT HER WAY" you got that center mass. It's her hate she carries so it's hers to dispose of and letting it float away in the smoke seemed simpliar to her, that holding on.

I try to always work the title into the poem or my favorite way......write the title then L pull its chakras if u will from it. Build the work around the headliner.

Thanks so much for your suggestions and how hard you obvious wanted to really know it before you suggested things. Here's a secret I have. Everyone will see, hear and feel things differently as they read the same poem. It's depends on their mood I believe.

Thanks again!

author comment

as a newcomer here I'll just consider your poem face value, as a new reader. It seems more prose to me than poetry, so I'd like to try it as a prose poem:

"How frequently we pivot in life when we fall in love with something. Having been given heart, mind and free will. We are still programed to pursue it. If it hurts, forgive till your heart begins to harden.
Hold on tightly until your hands are sore, torn and callused,falling away,withered like dried dandelion.
When you keep your eyes averted from the truth you witness;he never loved you.
Let go of your aching mind, let fall away any why's, any questions of doubts of what you may believe you did or didn't do. " etc.

So for me this work as a poem is too prosy, needing more images, word music. What it has is honesty and is heart felt, not cliche which make it special. Poetry for me can be factual and a narrative, but it becomes "poetry" when it relies more on the magic of words to take the work to the imagination. Keep at it, it will come.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I'm sorry but I was laughing quietly as I read your review. I am not new here. Look at my profile you'll see I've been a member for over six years and was here very shortly after they started Neopoet.
Having said that, allow me to explain the laughing I found myself in. I had quite a lot of fans here of all my work. I write prose, poetry, but hate rhyming at the end of each line except for children's poetry of course, I write squabble squash and why did they wash the sidewalk way. Silly not meaning anything really other having fun shown to your eyes.

The fan group I had here are actually the ones who surprised one day. When I came on and they " circled me" the announced the name of THIER fav. Works of thiefs would now be called " Prosetry" half and and half. I appreciate your time you took but you could not be further away from what my work is because it's.....everything.

Very first time I was published we all sent in six poems. Then I did nothing but free verse, there were 10'sof 1000's of people who sent in submissions. We were told only one or two poems from the same poet would be used.. Three weeks later I am notified that they were publishing all six because they want to do a two page article and poetry and what it means and how to get more people to read it, buy it. Every poem I sent touched each subject they were going to write about. Since I had no clue what that was ahead of time, I was stunned. When Cynic Magazine put me down as one to the top poets in 2005, 2006 I was ecstatic, know why? Cuz I wrote some of my best smart as, nonsense stuff and it flew around u as u tried to read, it was every where and nowhere and I loved it and so did cynic. They r still on line u can find them in the archives under my name.

I have work in seven paperbacks by one publisher, she was a great lady. I'm in four Anthologies and have won so many first place spots, second is good to me too. In so many e- zines that I had a hard time keeping track.

I write this not as bragging rights but for the ego u kinda crushed by calling me new. I want u to only know that you simply caught right waaaay that Prosetry is what I do naturally. Your the first however to see those two forms so quickly and I appreciate that very much from u. Look forward to hearing more reviews from u.

Oh, last time I left here I took all my work down as I did every where I was allowed to. Needed to do some work on me for awaited. Anyway thank you again!

author comment

I should have been more specific in that it is me who is relatively new to the site, several months as opposed to some here of several years. In your notes you mentioned you had posted in the past, but
I felt it would be best to view the work on face value, with no prior reference.

When I first read it yesterday, and again today, I questioned the idea of us being "programed" to pursue love, despite free will, which I do not find as a universal. Certainly not the case with the current emperor, and some others I know. I do prefer the last stanza, again as prose:

We are given heart, mind and free will. It's such a putrid thing when someone uses those gifted tools to search and destroy any and all hearts and minds whose only crime appears to have been
wanting love.

I do not think, as some here, that rhyme is what defines a poetry. I sometimes write in rhyme. But it is also true the entire generation of young poets have redefined modern poetry AS rhyme- all the rap, performance, and slam world, which I am too old to be a part of, that's all they do! But I do look for a decipherable "inner music" in a free verse which I am not getting in this piece as a poem.

Looking forward to seeing your work, and only promise to look at each new post as a fresh new canvas.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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