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The Crumbled Love (Reviewed)

I never knew your love was mechanized with emotional product
What a default love
You’re a toxic woman
Always on the merchandise
You intentionally set up your love as high jump
Where i would climb and crash like a broken bottle

Your love was wolf in sheep clothing
When you seduced me beyond repair
I’m now debris of a dust pan
I’ve wasted my financial resources
On your incessant exotic desires and pleasures

Overtly, your pigment is a snare in the eyes of passerby

Who'll deliver me from this odious woman
Whose eye balls glitters like shooting stars
And her eye lashes was her fan fare
I’ve stepped into fervid fire
Whose embers of love was enforced
By impunity of seductive power of lust

I need an angel to save me now
I need mortal knees to plead
On my behalf

I'm lost
Please help me

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

What a lament!

A torn heart
Anger at the no escape

Never mind the heart’s desires
It is a whimiscal easily fooled part of our numanness.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Truly a lament.

"What are the ill part of the poem Ray".

Please torchlight those areas.

Thank you for reading out.

Onyinyechi Cosmos

author comment

The other things I wrote were just my impressions and feelings evoked…

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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"whose eyeballs glitters like shooting stars" - great line! "Your love was truly a wolf in sheep clothing" - not a great line (cliche). "I have lost the child of my imagination" - confusing line. Does it refer to the fantasy of having a child with this woman? Does it refer to not being able to imagine a future without this woman? Something else? You have numerous lines that say the same thing, i.e., she is an evil seductress and you are now a broken man who is desperate for help. I would be ruthless and eliminate the weaker lines for a shorter and more powerful message or add a lot more lines - all of which add something new  - to express the overwhelming intensity of the feeling . I would like to see some indication of what this woman did that was so awful, maybe another stanza.

This is a mix of really great lines, weak lines and a partially formed good idea - consistent with a rough draft!  I look forward to reading the revisions.  Welcome to the site.

 

Arrow, you identified weak lines with good accuracy. Thank very much. Left for me you deserve a bottle of champagne to soft your throat. Lol!

Your spotting here is highly intellectual. I promise, i will re-create the poem and break off the chaff lines.
I knew the poem is left undone. I had my reason that's why i decided to leave it unfinished. What the woman did would be revealed in subsequent verse as i look forward to finish the body of the poem.

Believe me, this is really what i needed in this prestigious site. I see, here is a master class for all and sundry.

Onyinyechi Cosmos

author comment

You have a clear eye on the body of the poem entirely. I love your intelligent discovery of those weeds that lurks around the poem. " The Crumbled Love".

I love criticisms more than appraisal. I believe it would build me up to become better in the future. Please don't hesitate to knock my entire body on the floor if i dropped a bad verse.

Onyinyechi Cosmos

author comment

Your love was wolf in sheep clothing
When you seduced me beyond repair
I’m now debris of a dust pan
I’ve

wasted my financial resources
TC NEXT TIME

Please elucidate more on that please.

Lovedly- I don't get TC NEXT TIME term.

Onyinyechi Cosmos

author comment

I am unaware of your past poetic experience
I glossed through one or two

I find you have high potential
But in this poem it is not clear whether you are totally involved or she is just a passing passerby
as all guys experience. If you are not totally involved then
TC= take care next time
You have your own brilliant mind

In this poem i'm in no way part of the victim. It's just an imaginary person.

Onyinyechi Cosmos

author comment

Please then review as seniors have suggested

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